swimming swimming...

i'm referring to my thoughts.

they're kind of assaulting me right now. right. a few things to clarify. and maybe help with something now too.


NUMBER ONE
i guess it is true that the environment we grow up in makes a difference in what type of beliefs we ultimately have. I write about this because a correspondence who was once from abroad has shared her view about certain things which i find hard to accept as an asian.

"I'm still a bit confused why you seem to be taking such responsibility for your brother. It is up to your parents to sort out what is available for him. Perhaps I am being selfish, but I think, actually practical."

I was certainly taken aback when i first read this. How can it be that as part of the family we do not show consideration for somebody's future financial needs when venturing into an important investment decision such as my education? To me, yes you are being selfish. utterly selfish. I have realised that most of my friends around me do take into account the current and FUTURE financial situations of their families. this is why i have associated this difference to perhaps the difference in upbringing. We may not show our love as openly as some cultures do in the form of physical affection. yet, does that mean that we love our families any less? it may be on the contrary in fact. We tolerate and we learn to live with one another. that may not be such a bad thing after all. i wonder if all the "propaganda" about how showing your love to your family members on a daily basis is actually gonna make you love anyone more. after all physical affection is simply what can be seen on the surface. is our society going towards a something where evrything becomes superficial? I have a feeling that what's deep may be lost soon if all this is continued to the next generation. yet globalisation has taken this to a new level which makes it unable to go against the flow. Its a scary thought.

i realise i have deviated from my point. point to make: i guess some cultures are more selfish than others.

NUMBER TWO
Is it true that everyone becomes jaded when we grow up? this pesimissim does not seem to show in children. the innocence lost. perhaps that optimism is lost with things like the loss in trust, the loss in personal belief. i think these are the 2 most important things.

without trust, we begin to keep secrets to ourselves. remember when you were 4 years old and you never ever trusted your parents anymore when they said they wouldn't hit you with the cane if you didn't do anything wrong. but when you were wronged because it wasn't your fault yet granny kept saying it was your fault.... that was when you started thinking of ways and means to hide the cane because you didn't trust them anymore. they lied. your secrets increased in number as you grew older. you trusted no one but yourself. sometimes, u'd entrust a few of these secrets to people you thought were your soulmates. but they dissapoint you at a point in time and you simply clam up after that. you trust in no one but yourself. it is sad, but true. optimism dips when you can't have anyone to share your problems with. remember the times when you hit your head on the table or on hard edges when you were young and your prents fawned over you. you trusted them and immediately thought you'd be fine. that feeling of hope would blossom in your heart as they consoled you with their soothing words. but as you age, consoling words wash over you, they bounce over you, they penetrate less into your heart, and you thought they didn't know how you feel, you thought they were superficial, you thought they were lying. only through seeing how other failed where you suceeded did you regain your optimism. some say that you can only encourage youself by encouragin others. sometimes i really doubt if its encouragin others. it seems more like seeing how others have failed and resolving not to be like them. alright i have deviated again and i am lazy to retype my point. please reread and conclude by yourself.

do you remember when you were 3 years old, you believed you could do anything in the world. i know i believed i could be an astronaut and wave goodbye to my parents from the space craft. yet as we grow older and encounter more setbacks, this belief in oursleves ebbs away. reality gnaws at these walls we have built around ourselves when we were young. as the defences get weaker, you no longer believe you are omnipotent. your confidence dies and when the defences are finally broken, you are jaded.

this seemingly childlike optimism can only be found in 2 special groups of people i have met so far. children whom everyone eventually grows out of, and the intellectually disabled. maybe god was right in making man not have a memory stronger than that of an elephant's or a crow's. it enables us to forget and forgive. that is easier said than done, but you do realise that the pain from most wounds fade away and turn into a dull throb soon after the incident happens.


alright. i think this is enough for tonight. i need to wake up early tmr as well. busy day tmr. good night everyone. i realise that this has been a rather depressing post and i'd like to sleep on it.