wATeVa!!!

pride for the country

2009-08-08T01:52:00.003+08:00

I wanted to do up this post yesterday, but didn't have the chance to cos i fell asleep. HAHA. yes i know, typical of me. But here goes anyway.

Watched this programme on discovery, about the new circle line that we're going to have. I was actually quite amazed at first, that the circle line even managed to get its place as a documentary on one of the most watched channels in the world, and at a 10pm slot too. Immediately i was glued on to it.

But why? What was this feeling? Its not as if one show on a 10pm programme is any big deal yes? But i guess what kept me watching was partly cos i felt pride for the country and its transport systems. Even though we may complain that CTE is always jammed, and we joke that the ERP stands for "Everyday Rob People", and make it sound like we totally hate our country. It simply isn't totally a hundred percent true when we say "I hate Singapore and i want to migrate to another country next time". Don't get me wrong, this isn't meant to coincide with national day even though its just 2 days away. But trust me, for a lot of us youths, our bark is worse than our bite.

I was so proud of my country when i heard the UN ambassador to Singapore say on discovery channel that "Singapore is the only country that has progressed from a developing [country] tp developed country in a span of 30-40 years". Isn't that amazing?

And i didn't know that the circle line project cost 6 billion dollars =X

Just to sidetrack a little from my title:
Went to dig up treasure with jing in my house on wed. (: I'm glad we did. (: ok even though my treasure might not be very interesting, we still talked quite a bit on other things, which i think is good. when school reopens [omg no.. ):], there won't be so much time anymore. :(

tom and shaun came over to cook dinner with us too. (: talked somemore. haha.

it was a good day that day (:

AND I ATE EGG TARTS FROM HK YESTERDAY! YES! i wanna go to taiwan or hk soon. somone sponsor me please?? haha

met up with drama peeps today, before xinyi flys off to italyyyyyy...
we've decided to write a script, yq and me. i hope it works out...

letters and autism

2009-08-05T00:25:00.002+08:00

Saw a friend's mum on tv today. featured her teaching autistic kids in a special school, and i had to explain to my mum and granny that autisim isn't the same as intellectual disability. In any case, asked my friend if that was her mum on tv, and we talked on msn for the first time in... i think 3 plus years? doesn't sound long. But it has been quite a while. And I am glad for this. May meet up with the old gang cos of this next week. By then, i hope i'll be rid of the pang of whatever i feel whenever i pass by a certain mrt station, first started when i was on the train with jing a few years back.

Now, i'm actually supposed to be writing a letter to a person. Its kind of due tomorrow. haha. And i'm actually very stuck. There are so many things that i want to express but can't seem to put down in words. They are all in a huge jumble in my head. I actually wonder if other people would actually be able to make a sense out of it if they were in my head. Is this how the autistic kids feel like? I guess the biggest thing i'd like to say is: Thank You for everything, and so, "for you, a thousand times over". That about sums it all up.

Alright. I think i about know where this is going. This letter has been in my head for about a month already anyway. HAHA.

Back to writing it.

my harnesses

2009-07-28T23:14:00.001+08:00

Jing came over for lunch today. i cooked a super simple meal. but still considered a meal. haha. then we went to support the judo kias. First time seeing them play. And it was awesome. love pigda's stomping feet.

Then jing and I went to catch the latest hp movie. Felt the movie was alright. But perhaps its because i went in with super low expectaions, what with all the negative reviews people have been giving me about it. What i didn't like about it was that it was all becoming like a horror/thriller thing. The later hp movies no longer have the touch the first movie had - where it was something we could imagine about. Instead, its now darker, and the kind of sets and lightings used in the movie makes it worse.

In any case, i'm not here to talk about the movie in general, rather to talk about a part of the movie where i felt something which tickled an emotional nerve.

For those of us who have read the book or watched the movie, we all know that hp's 2 best frens H and R made up their minds to go with him in search of the materials required to finish his quest. Dangerous, yes, and definitely not happiest thing to volunteer for. And then i wonder, is this all too fantasy-like? WHICH of the people around me would be:

1) so supportive
2) willing to go through anything with me, including something which would be as dangerous as this?

in real life? That was what i was to emo about because the more i thought about it, the answer was becoming more and more obvious. Because sometimes, things can be so brutal in real-life, when you realise that some people are being hypocritical, that some people are not willing to risk it, that some people are just selfish, and that some people purposely say things to hurt you even though they say they don't mean it. Once or twice these things happen its alright. But when these things become repeated continuosuly, can't help but think if it is true that true friends don't exist.

Until i thought about what jing said last night about harnesses.

7/28/2009 12:03:06 AM jing shiqi challenge pole also can jump off, den just jump la.
7/28/2009 12:03:13 AM jing shiqi ur harness will be ur frens la. toot!

cool eh? must be the influence from doing camps. And i am less unassured.

Still standing on shaky ground though. and the feeling sucks.

Can't help but wonder if my imagination is running wildly crazy again.

So who wants to be part of my harness?

PS i'm super scared that jing's stomach probs today are my fault at cooking the chicken. :(

second chances

2009-07-27T21:47:00.000+08:00

I shall type this whilst i'm still grumbling about it all.

My dearest brother just came up to me and said "eh this question how to do ah, totlaly don't know how to write". then he went to bathe.

I stared at the piece of foolscap paper he had just placed on my desk, and on the very first line was the question:

"Technology increasingly brings out the worst in people." Discuss.

And so i thought to myself. Hmmm GP question. My GP techniques were rusty, so it took me to come up with the initial points which didn't seem to make any sense. But in the 5 minutes that he was showering, the rusty old GP cogs in my head started tinkering away by themselves. And just a minute before he came out of the toilet did i realise what i was supposed to do - apply the techniques my dear GP teacher had taught me in school. With those techniques, which i had practised at numerous times before my own A levels, the question's difficulty level seemed to drop to an all new low. So i wondered, did his GP teacher teach him these techniques?

When he came out, the first question i asked was, "Did your teacher teach you the techniques in analysing the question?" And he replied a confident yes. So i questioned him on the techniques and he answered them well, telling me that "technology", "increasingly", as well as "worst in people" were the key words required to answer this question. Full marks if this was all GP was about. But unfortunately, he couldn't tell me anything further than that. he told me "i can't link the terms together"/"i don't have the examples".

That was when i got really mad.

"You have to THINK!" i told him after i explained the flow of thoughts that came from the techniques. And all he could do was say "ok" and walk away sheepishly, with all my examples and reasonings.

And then i felt like i couldn't stand not giving it an afterthought. I can't be there telling him what to write during his exams. And GP is an important subject after all. If you fail GP, that's the end of the road in JC for you, because it would mean you failed your entire A-levels. It seems ironical that people can get straight As for every other subject, but yet fail GP. But it has been done before. And what an awful waste of time and effort it would be to fail GP.

So i stood up, walked to the doorway of his room, and said "eh if you're going to do this for gp then you better go and get gp tuition. if u fail gp like some people den u're not going to be able to go to uni. its uni ok, no second chances"

I admit that i then behaved like my mum. But i believe that at this time of the year when his prelims are so near, that it was apt.

True, there will be chances for us. But the second chance will no longer be as pure as the first. It would be as if it has already been tainted. True second chances don't really exist, especially on matters as grave as your studies and in such a cold and meritocratic society as in Singapore. People are more likely to give second chances, but institutions don't dole out second chances you know. That's why they're called institutions for a reason because there are systems to follow.

And these second chances will hurt.

alright. said my fill. time to bathe.

fire

2009-07-20T23:45:00.001+08:00

hmm i had another werid dream.

dreamt i was caught in a building on fire. didn't actually see the fire, but saw the start of it. an electrical fire.

SUPERSUPERSIZE

2009-07-16T15:09:00.003+08:00

Just watched the movie/documentary on fastfoods called "supersize me". and to be honest, the content of it all disgusts me. Not because it isn't true, but because its too true, but nobody around me is really noticing it yet.

And right when i was watching this movie, the issue of personal responibility versus corporate responsibility came up. Just like in BGS whoa. haha. I mean, its really easy to put the blame on the company, but whose fault is it ultimately for being unable to control ur own diet, for finding excuses to exercise? Don't you dare blame it on the fastfood chains. Perhaps all they simply did was withhold some information about the calorie intake of a fastfood meal. Its a well known fact that fastfood is unhealthy, so why eat it? Because it tastes nice and because its cheap. Well, fastfood isn't cheap in SGP, and there are so many other types of food that taste nice.

One more thing which made me even more disgusted - they sell food that makes people addictted to it. i.e. cheese which has morphine on it (from the cow's liver - all cheese alright), and sodas which contain not only so much sugar, but loads of caffeine too. Yeah its that disgusting. Just think about it. People not only feel like eating macdonald's because it gives them the warm fuzzy feeling of eating there - from all the advertisment gigs mac's has, but also from all the addictive stuff in the meals. Good god. Granted, the amount of morphine is not enough to make u really addicted to it. But... just think of the combination and if we really took in the ads, we'd be eating mac's everyday for every meal!

I am sooo not gonna touch fastfood in a looooooooooong while. trust me on that.

Exercise regime anyone? I think i ought to start on it soon rather than sit on my butt the whole while.

ahwell nobody bothers to read this anymore.

2009-07-14T19:03:00.002+08:00

i'm emoing. about what i think i know. and its time to admit it. Perhaps its just the time of the month.

But its really sad and frustrating that when people find new things they move on and forget about what happened in tha past. Its honestly frustrating. And it somehow pisses me off.

how to broach the subject? i think even god wouldn't know how.

Withdrawal Symptons

2009-07-13T10:40:00.003+08:00

This is gonna be my first post for the camp. Why so late? Because i just found a very good sentence/reasoninig behind what's been inside for very long. Thanks to sua who was talking to me about hhk's performance this year.

the same sentence/reasoning for camp is as follows:

you feel so lost after the whole event is over. Its as if your whole life once revolved around it, and then suddenly, it just all came to a stop and ended. It was a happy ending of course, with everyone celebrating, and everyone reflecting on the days with their buddies. But when u went home, all you could think about was:

how i wish it didn't need to end so quickly.

how i wish it could go on forever.

i feel so lost without anything to do.

so why couldn't it go on forever?

The feeling is exactly like that of reading a good book that you didn't want the ending to come. We used to call it withdrawal symptons after a yan chu - just like how sua said it. And it was funny how come i never thought of the aftermath of camp in this manner - withdrawal symptons.

Anyhow, sua said something which really struck home somehow.

"it's gd to have this feeling a lot in ur life... cuz it means that there are many happy moments in ur life that you wish can go on forever"

So true. So true.

I miss camp.

And i shall end this post here. Because its purpose is completed. (:

真实

2009-07-02T00:50:00.002+08:00

no idea why. but i've fallen in love with this song today. it kept running through my head and now i'm listening to it repeatedly.

你说的话在我心中生了根
爱得很深所以心会疼
记忆在我的心中翻滚
是不是每一个人都像我一样笨

只怕再问对彼此都太残忍
我能感觉另外一个人
我等等笑容换成泪痕
爱在崩溃的时候比较真

太多疑问
知道答案又如何
原来容忍不需要天份
只要爱错一个人

心痛比快乐更真实
爱为何这样的讽刺
我忘了这是第几次
一见你就无法坚持

孤独比拥抱更真实
爱让人失去了理智
会不会是我太自私
拒绝更寂寞的日子

放不开也看不见未来
难道这种不完美才是爱情真实的样子

URGH

2009-06-11T22:52:00.001+08:00

Urusai buta/toad/moneky is still in a bad mood. URGH.

spiteful

2009-06-11T22:34:00.002+08:00

I'm in a bad mood. and I'm in a spiteful mood. sigh. then i turn it all around, and become nice again. wad's wrong with me. honestly. sucks

no mood. :(

2009-05-17T15:27:00.001+08:00

omg wad am i doing. I'm supposed to be studying. NO MOOD! :(

train rides.

2009-05-14T23:47:00.005+08:00

I am tired, mentally and physically, and I didn't think about anything else on the train. Its always times like this that never fail to lead me to the same conclusion: WHY am i doing this to myself over and over again?

Perhaps I'm asking for too much for things to become as they were before i fell asleep on the phone such a long time ago. But now, its getting worse than ever. And i no longer think I have the energy to keep up with the weird antics of this relationship between us.

You say there's always a listener and a talker in a relationship. But is this the true definition of it? I don't now about that.

I came across something whilst reading and its been dead stuck onto my mind ever since: Friends are people who take an interest in each others' lives. I don't know if this applies anymore. To anyone...

Don't be mistaken that i'm angry at you, if you ever read this post. I'm just angry at myself, for being over-reliant, for being the one who's always feeling sorry for herself, for being the one who's always running to you when I have the problems, for being the one you never run to when you meet problems. It seems... one-sided to me.

Yes, I may be too demanding of this relationship. After all, I played a part in its development as well.

People tell me to talk to you about it. How the hell am i supposed to breach this topic when everything is as it is now? Is this the dead-end for all once-successful relationships? But then again, am I to suck this all up and live with it? I don't think so. You're too precious as a friend.

who the hell...

2009-04-29T23:59:00.002+08:00

in the first place... who is reading this... and why do i even bother...

frustration

2009-04-29T23:57:00.001+08:00

its frustrating... sigh. i duno wad else to do.

in which case... reading helps again. sigh.

i feel like i'm running away

titles, books, and heartaches

2009-04-27T13:40:00.002+08:00

i think people read for several reasons... i would think that the list of reasons may grow pretty long...

alright this isn't a good start. let's just say that reading is something I've been learning to appreciate even more ever since all the turmoil in my life has been churning in the last few years. I never appreciated it much when i was young even though i loved to read. I would be able to sit in the bookshop for hours, whilst the adults were doing their stuff in the mall. Then, it was simply a form of entertainment, something through which i could gain excitement I would never be able to get from my daily life (not that i'm complaining that my life is boring. i meet lots of interesting people and do lots of interesting things... but you know how sometimes you imagine yourself as a character in some other exotic place on some kind of adventure?). Perhaps that is why i never really grew out of the habit of reading the mystery and mystical genres, although many my age have already grown out of it to read the more mundane stuff like newspapers and history books. Its not like i never tried. But these genres still attract me the most.

So why the sudden increase in appreciation? it is pretty ironic, that in this turmoil when I've been learning to appreciate everything even more (i suppose its the age and maturity factor), from the amount of food i have compared to ethopian kids, the existence of my grandma, to the numerous phonecalls and smses jing and i used to have, that i'm learning to turn back to the source of what has made me the character i am today. I would say that i'm a pretty self-righteous person, with all that values to which i stuck to when in jc, but am now bending a little. After a while, when i get too busy to read, some stuff that used to be enforced in stotybooks - the happily ever afters, the honesty and courage people have to do things, the curiosity characters which lead to greater things... all this stuff gets lost in the turmoil. And now that i'm turning back to them, they are a source of comfort for me. Perhaps they are something which allows me to put away all the turmoil and return to all that innocence. After all, whatever the author has in mind whilst writing books (be it dirty thoughts or the valiant hero) is still made up. Some of it may have been inspired by the truth, yet there MUST have been certain things which have been made up. Certainly not all of it is true. the mind does play tricks on us, even on our own experiences. So there's that about running away from reality.

and one more thing. I suppose authors of storybooks write for a reason. Some write for entertainment, others write to tell people something they have learnt from their lives. It may be comforting to some of the authors whose books i have read to know that the bookworm here reading this book has been able to achieve both for herself. (: ohhh... its not all about preaching trust me. its the connection that authors have with the readers, which makes these stories have the magic they have in them. That's where all the talents of authors go to.

In any case, i've reached the end of my blogpost. and i'm sure you can tell that i've no idea how i want to end this. How apt it is... that conclusions are always the most difficult to write. I wonder how they do it?

and my heart goes out to the heartaches. I feel for you. the book i'm reading has been inserting constant reminders about you. please do be yourself soon yeah? It would be a fantastic thing to see you up and running about soon. -hugs- (:

icanbetiredlater

2009-04-14T00:09:00.002+08:00

I CAN BE TIRED LATER I CAN BE TIRED LATER!

its less than 72 hours now. cmon cmon. you can do it.

and to all those who are studyung for their exams now too...

YOU CAN BE TIRED LATER TOO!

JIAYOU JIAYOU!

icanbetiredlatericanbetiredlatericanbetiredlatericanbetiredlatericanbetiredlater

short short short break

2009-04-09T20:39:00.003+08:00

taking a short short short break... from mugging.

micro's a beast. need to tackle it. RAR cause of this beast, i haven't been able to take on the other smaller monsters, namely stats and the perhaps-not-so-small bugsss... urgh...

in any case... its been great. as per always, mugging is the time to bond, unlike what people say. (: tmr another extreme mugging session with jing. muggin sessions can be fun too. just see what yiwei and val think. lol. listening to oldies and all. hah

ALRIGHT MICRO! BACK TO TACKLING YOU! RARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

project M&M successful :)

2009-03-29T19:35:00.002+08:00

Jing's birthday surprise yesterday was a success. (:

Its the first time I've ever seen her with that shocked look on her face. Of course, it wouldn't have been possible without her parent's help. :P plus all the support from those who came or did not go, it was priceless. (:

i hope she gets over the size of the M&M soon. lol. it was truly quite hilarious. (:

and btw, i was so excited about project M&M that i couldn't sleep at all on the way to her house. hahaha. but ohwell... just happy (:

it was night cycling after that, and i woke up from it at 4pm today.

and talking about M&Ms,
lucky there was val, shaun, guo sheng and yiliang to help. and ofcos, tom and victor who came down on the first night too. heng got them, esp val, gs and shaun. (:

so anyway, i'm still sleepy. and i honestly done feel like starting on my work at all. been putting off starting it. urgh. i should

and this post, other than project M&M, has been crap. lol

making something out of it.

2009-02-28T12:05:00.002+08:00

My weird dreams are back. they stopped for a moment. but now they're back. and somehow, i'm glad that they're back. i don't know why.

a few nights back, i dreamt that i was doing a camp with the Y. and then the best part of it was that... i dreamt i was the mastermind of a plan to do flying fox. oh it wasn't just ANY flying fox. it was flying fox using a string made out of toilet paper. we broke a window after making the string so that we could tie the string onto the window grille. and whoosh. the other 2 were out. i tried... and i don't remember what happened... because the next thing i knew, was that i was trying again at some other place. (maybe i chickened out the first time...) this time it was on a concrete slope. and i had to tie it onto some bar. my former physical education teacher was standing at the bottom of the slope. telling me to hurry. and a whole load of people were watching from behind the bar. it failed.... miserably. the slope wasn't steep enough. and i slid on my butt instead. what a joke of a dream.

and just last night. dreamt we ended up in some room after a night bike reccee. with the Y again. i was left with jing and another person. and we talked about commitment. lol. then the other person left. and jing and i were still packing up. realised it was a classroom. because when we were leaving, there were kids running outside. led by a teacher. these kids were real cute. they ran past and said hi.... and then there were another 2 more kids who suddenly appeared in the room we were trying to close. i had already switched off the lights and was closing the door when i saw them inside the very classroom we were about to lock up. i was trying to open the door again to get them to come out, because i didn't have a good feeling about the room. and it was night time. I told them I was about to lock up the room. and one boy was trying to close the door on me. the other boy was hiding behind the single table in the room, which was at the other corner. I told them it wasn't safe. and the bolder boy pushing the door, told me "what if we've been living in this room all our life?" I think i was shocked. and so was jing. we knew what the boys were. continued walking out to the car. and we saw more nighttime people along the way. I don't think they were real people in my dream. some of them were really nice. like there was this old man. others were weird. there was a man who was walking in a zig-zag way and stared when jing said hi. i was clinging on to her for dear life the entire journey to the carpark. i dreamt again of the canteen, where there were people dancing ballet. I'd dreamt of that place before... where it was quite hilarious to watch the people dancing ballet. because of the way they did it, mechanically step by step. we had stopped to watch and had laughed at them in the previous dream. this time round, i remember trying to get to the carpark hurriedly, but still laughing and snigerring. then we reached the car. and jing was driving! woohoo haha. the car had lots of funny things in it. stuffed toys, pictures of us... (the whole backseat was covered in stuffed toys) while we were getting in, we saw another car leaving too. an ID bene was driving it and her guardians were asking if she was alright driving home so late at night. it was nice even though she didn't recognise us. i mean... for them to even drive cars home... well of course the parents must be rich enough... then we were out of the carpark and into the night. talked about the pictures in the car. we drove past a place, which resembled the science center, but wasn't the science center... cos we weren't in jurong... then it ended there. i shan't type in the conversations.. they are... hmmm. haha.

i don't think anyone would bother reading what i typed on top. its a lousy piece of writing anyway. not storyline nor climax whatsoever.

i'm just wondering, what would happen if one day, i took all of these dreams and made them into something else, like a script?

and i wonder too if these dreams have a meaning...

real smiles (:

2009-02-22T17:33:00.003+08:00

Just watched "Under the Tuscany Sun" on channel 5.

then i did housework.

and i'm currently lazing around. haha

and the above combination makes me wanna blog.

"act like a child" - most important thing to ever learn from the movie in my opinion

then whilst doing housework, i came across this photo in my room. :)

triggered off memories of what i once told jing, but unfortunately, the world is such that we often procrastinate.

the difference between a real smile and a fake/hypocritical smile.
i believe both were real smiles in this photo (:
my god. do i miss Cambodia
and do i miss having real smiles around me, with a real smile on my face too.

and i wonder. do people ever know that they are a source of happiness to someone else?
or is it until something happens that they know?

enough for now. i thought the thoughts would flow. but apparently modules like aw have cause great distress to my freewriting abilities.
there are more things to what i mean than what i say up there.

i miss being a kid.

my god. i never thought it would ever come to this.

2009-01-15T23:30:00.003+08:00

me giving advice? SINCE WHEN did that happen.

on a happy note: i said i like to do voluntary work during a self-introduction the other day (:

and wow. i hate this feeling. honestly. wad'swrong with me. or maybe like wad jing say. wad's right with me.

reading..

2008-12-29T00:53:00.002+08:00

its e-m-o time once again. its always at this period of the night... and the feeling utterly sucks. gawd

in any case... school's about to start soon. and i'm kinda dreading it.

u know the phrase overpromise and underdeliver? i think i always do that to myself in terms of results. ever since secondary school, i have never once felt like i've achieved much. i guess its cos how i've been brought up. my mum always said 一山还比一山高。its kinda been ingrained into my mind already. so perhaps at times i comfort myself by comparing my grades to my peers. but at the end of the day, have i actually achieved what i have wanted to achive for myself? or in other words have i defeated myself? the answer has so far remained a negative no, save for certain instances.

moving on, to something i don't think is any less depressing, but simply just a change in topic - the subject of mantaining relationships. nobody said it was easy. but nobody told me it was this tough too. its been difficult trying to meet up with people this hols. what with the stuff we do at the y, meetings in school for the race next year, and revamping the house. its been tough. and there are groups of people that i certainly do miss, from the bottom of my heart. (ARH EMO EMO HELP)

in any case, i feel much better now, since i've put typed some of it out. its jus the PHWOAR feeling if u get what i mean.

i shall go to my bed and read. reading takes my mind off things. puts me in a place where nobody can touch me if i don't let them. that's why i like reading, cowardly as it might seem to be hiding off in another world of my own. potter here i come (:

DA BOMB

2008-12-23T17:10:00.005+08:00

the entire process of ycamp dec 2008 all the way to the end wasn't exactly the bomb i was looking for, but it was nonetheless a wonderful experience, despite all the problems and setbacks along the way.

I LOVE DEC 2008 YCAMP COMM!!!!!

don't want the hols to end because:
1) I HAVEN'T GOT ENOUGH OF SLACKING YET!

2) i'll miss ycamp comm crazy outings... :( took a gazillion photos and videos within the past month. haha camwhoring surely...

3) everyone will be back in ntu, smu, nyp, ite, sp. etc etc.. :(

4) haven't done my research on isp nepal

5) need more rest
but since when has the world been fair!

and it'll be the start of a new year soon...

need to set new year resolutions soon...
and to keep to them this time!

looking forward to all the other activities as well!
BCM GATHERING! ITS BEEN A LONG TIME MY GIRLS! haha.

and soccer girls when are we meeting up :(:(

YCAMP COMM DEC 2008 U'RE DA BOMB! (: *love the msn mass convos!*

P.S. snippets from an msn convo
anyone needs talented actors please find anyone of us from the ycamp comm.
the job would go to guosheng - (:

yiwei says (5:12 PM):
hahah
yiwei says (5:12 PM):
what are the roles he can play?
shiqi says (5:12 PM):
wowwww
shiqi says (5:12 PM):
big question
shiqi says (5:12 PM):
HAHA
yiwei says (5:12 PM):
enunch?
yiwei says (5:12 PM):
=P
shiqi says (5:12 PM):
AHAHAHHAH
yiwei says (5:12 PM):
LOL
shiqi says (5:12 PM):
evil leh u
shiqi says (5:12 PM):
lol
yiwei says (5:13 PM):
hahah.. okie give him better one
yiwei says (5:13 PM):
!
yiwei says (5:13 PM):
=P
shiqi says (5:14 PM):
faint-
shiqi says (5:14 PM):
u're really evil
shiqi says (5:14 PM):
haha
yiwei says (5:14 PM):
hahah
yiwei says (5:14 PM):
no lor
yiwei says (5:14 PM):
cannot let his talent go to waste
yiwei says (5:14 PM):
=P

cherish every moment

2008-12-05T09:07:00.003+08:00

soccer meetup has been cancelled. due to people like me who couldn't wake up i think. sigh. :( i miss the girls!

and then so many things have been happening recently, haven't even got time to think about it all. everything has just been a blur.

and then just now. on my bed, suddenly, there was just a lot of time to think. the whole of today.

and i don't like the feeling. its like emo-ing in the day.

and the best thing is, i dun even know why. that's the irony.

sometimes i think i have too much of a heart, i wear it too much on my sleeve. is it my si xue?

sua told me b4 when i asked how to make things go slower. he said to cherish every moment.

1st year finals are overrrrrrrrrr...

2008-11-30T01:56:00.002+08:00

yes... they're finally over. and its a first that i was feeling so elated that it was the LAST paper even before the paper started... can you imagine... FIRST TIME EVER. and it was most probably because of jing's nick, like she said. lol.

woohoo. i'm totally enjoying the end of my first year papers (: went to shop around the whole orchard with jing after we went to eat mfm after my paper (: MFM ROCKS! (: somemore got discount (: and it was the 2nd ycamp breifing today. heard all the gossip. i somehow feel that this committee is more bonded than the last. which is a very good thing to hear. (: I'M LOVING IT! its been really long since i've laughed so much, till my cheeks ache, with such a group of people. passion can only push you so far. true. but it really does bring light to your life. and when the passion burns out (if it does), you'll remember the light it once brought. and for that, i'm grateful. after all, hardly anyone can find their own lifelong passion, and do it with no regrets.

yayness to all the upcoming activities! (:

my math sucks...

2008-11-26T17:32:00.001+08:00

for the first time in my entire life i'm feeling depressed over a subject by the name of math.

can someone please enlighten me.

i want this torture to end!

help...

friday 12pm!!!!!!!!!!!! rarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

friday 12pm...

2008-11-25T17:03:00.001+08:00

i dun wanna study anymoreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee :( :( :(

this is torturous...

like someone said "Can someone employ me to be a couch potato?" zzzzzzzzz

i wanna see stars at night :( JING WHEN WE GOING!

:(:(

friday 12pm friday 12pm friday 12pm....

weridest person

2008-11-23T11:03:00.002+08:00

i just had one of these weirdest revelations about myself... about how oddly i think at a lot of times. weird imagination. haha.

jus a visit to the toilet... and it triggered this:

have any of you had an experience when you went into an enclosed space for a period of time - lets say a toilet cubicle, or even better - a lift. and you are afraid that when you come out of that enclosed space, you'd enter a whole new dimension altogether. the dimension looks totally the same, jus that certain things are different, let's say the relationship between 2 people. only very mild stuff have changed...

i duno why. i think i'm weird. but i always have the fear of the above occuring... and that one day, I'd enter a totally different dimesion. then what would i do?!

ALRIGHT ENOUGH OF TRYING TO ESCAPE FROM MUGGING...

i can't wait for friday 12pm to come. i need to repeat this to myself...

friday 12pm friday 12pm...

jing's nick motivates me loads -
`shopping.beach.sunset.xmaslights.steamboat.mfm.ikeameatballs.b&js.ydance.ycamp.ycommouting.swensens.swim.gathering.STARS.photos!

mugger buggers...

2008-11-16T10:16:00.002+08:00

spent the whole day at the library yesterday. which surmounted to nothing. perhaps maybe a larger collection of lame jokes and laughter - for which i'm glad. but it can't cover up the fact that little mugging was done :(

another quote from the mrt station.i'm starting to find these quotes inspiring.

Success is never final. Failure is never fatal. Courage is what counts. - Sir Winston Churchill

jiayou all us poor buggers mugging out there.

sounding philosophical.

2008-11-13T23:13:00.002+08:00

i was walking to gran's today after dumping my stuff at home. saw siblings fetching siblings from school. I've never done that before. i realise that i have never been a neighbourhood kid ever. and i wonder how its like, to roam the neighbourhood, truly exploring the area i live in. perhaps it was cos my parents were strict. perhaps it was cos i was too full of pride?

my takeaway today -
Every ending leads to a new beginning.

my dear friends. keep this in mind. its just the beginning.

my gawd. attempting to sound philosophical may be tiring.

pissed at the world. childish as it may sound.

2008-11-10T23:33:00.002+08:00

its unfair. utterly so.

reality just hit me how unfair it is.

can't you bloody hell just charge the batteries on your own. after all, you're the one who got the good things.

the train station

2008-11-10T06:55:00.001+08:00

Obstacles don't have to stop you. If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up. Firugre out how to climb it, go through it, or work you way around it. - Michael Jordan

what i saw in the train station

its coming to an end...

2008-11-09T00:10:00.003+08:00

yproms was tiring... i'm very tired now...

tmr need to wake up super early to go to school again. sigh. sian... suckssss...

BUT its the last week already. so....

JIAYOU SHIQI!
JIAYOU LIJING!
JIAYOU MY TWC GROUPMATES!
JIAYOU YEE SHIANG!
JIAYOU SOCCER GIRLS!
JIAYOU EVERYONE!

its all coming to an end soooon. we'll have our well deserved break then.

When everything fails, remember this:
you're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

and like wad my msn nick says:
Friends are needed both for joy and for sorrow. -- Samuel Paterson
so just say the word and i'll be there

i love all my friends. (:
爱死你们了。

THIS spot

2008-11-04T23:49:00.002+08:00

andiamemoingatmyseat.wts.

this is the seat of emo my dear friends. please do not sit at this spot when you come to my house.

i wonder if that's the reason why i like my laptop more. cos i can't and don't have to sit at this seat.

no reason to slack

2008-11-04T23:32:00.003+08:00

this week is somewhat of a slowdown in terms of workload. but its still no reason to slack.

exams are coming soon. and i feel guilty for not studying.

i needed a breather, so i didn't do work for the past 2 hours. tv again. i should lock it up. really.

wondering what will happen on the other side of the world tomorrow. who will win. i backing the obvious choice for youths. yes i'm typically singaporean, i don't want taxes to be lowered for the upper class, that's crap... As asian, i guess my values are still to contribute to society in every small way we can.

i want my phone and my laptop back. my dependence on them has grown ever since uni started.

i wonder what will happen when all the technology in the world suddenly dies off one day, like cos of an alien invasion or something... my god.

i'm spouting rubbish again in this utterly time-wasting post. ta.

what they say...

2008-10-22T01:46:00.002+08:00

and i can't help but wonder what they say about me behind my back.

ate dinner with ej and jeremy. gossiped about quite a lot of stuff, despite me having lots of work to do. which is why i'm still up at this unearthly hour, trying to complete math. but yet i'm still not doing work. ok not the point. points below.

yes, i can't help but wonder what other people say about me behind my back. "She's such a boy" / "She's crazy" are simple. I wonder what's the really complicated stuff... the real stuff. After all, it can't be that nobody talks about me behind my back.

WAIT. if nobody did, then it'd really be sad. even sadder than having somebody talk about really bad things behind my back.

live by our principle and we'll live with no regret i guess. maybe we shouldnt' care so much about it... DO WORK.

uncertain

2008-10-21T02:19:00.001+08:00

uncertain about how i'm feeling about certain stuff now. to be happy or not?

i'm not emoing. jus uncertain

damnit

2008-10-11T10:13:00.002+08:00

damn it damn it damn it... i jus scared somebody else with one of my train acts. bahhhh. this feeling sucks...

complaints

2008-10-10T23:39:00.003+08:00

yaya. everyone else can complain. i'm the only one who can't huh... bahhh vulgarities are goign to spew out of my mouth already...

kns

some people just need to complaing more than others. can't i be the one...

i'm sorry if i whine. its just me alright. BAHHHHHHHHH

i should stop emoing and get work done. stupid girl.

raining. BAH.

2008-10-02T23:42:00.002+08:00

omg. in a super emo mood now.

sigh all in all, I HATE GROWING UP. fullstop. i duno how many times i've said this already. but there are certain things i really really HATE. why can't i be a kid forever. :(

stop raining. BAH.

emo outlet

2008-09-23T10:30:00.002+08:00

this is bad. i should never have started this. now i'm emo-ing even in the morning. i realise this is the emo outlet. sigh.

bloody rusty

2008-09-23T00:55:00.003+08:00

alrighty. this is a bloody rusty blog.

i bet nobody bother reading it anyway.

this is the FIRST time i'm using my new laptop to blog...

hmmm... maybe cos i'm inspired to blog after i read jing's blog entrie. call me a copy cat if you want.

just updates basically, cos i don't feel like doing work so late at night, plus tomorrow is supposedly my free day.

but well, school's been bloody busy.

I feel so cheated cos the seniors always said that "uni life is gonna be better than jc life". even the teachers said so. and i naively believed. How can this be true, and how could i even make myself believe that it was even true in the first place? Perhaps it was a ploy by the teachers and seniors to make us look forward tp uni life/ the end of A-levels. But truly, they shouldnt' have lied. becasue expectations were well...

My og mates apparently say that I look like a walking zombie when i'm in school...

sigh. feel so away from everything when i'm in school. envy jing when she talks about her class and everything. here in my school, nobody takes the same mods this sem together. and the environment isn't exactly a good place to interact with friends. Just like my mum said, "team mates can be friends, but some friends can't be team mates". but all the projects here require "TeAMWORK". I find it so tiring to be socialising with so many different groups of people. Somehow the words s"ocial butterfly" come to my mind at this point in this post... and i thought i wasn't really that much one. never expected it to be like this.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
oh well emo period. that was like 1am last night. fell asleep typing it. need to do work now. SIGH.

my name is INTERESTING!

2008-06-14T02:06:00.001+08:00

T imes that are depressing comes often and true
O nly to dull us, and make one feel blue
H eartaches and boiled blood, such anger and pain
S till you mustnt forget the sunshine after the rain
H appiness a choice, for everyone to take
I n the depths of all these, thats the difference it makes
Q uoted by Leo Tolstoy, so true and put simply
"I f you want to be happy, be"

this is damn cool. and the person came up with it in less than half an hour. wow. thanks fresh oyster for trying to cheer me up. haha. now jing is complaining no fair why she dun have.

drama drama drama.

ycamp update for after drama.

is blood thicker than water?

2008-05-29T00:22:00.003+08:00

random topic that just came to my mind:

is blood thicker than water?

ok i'm not referring to it in a scientific way as jing says... rarrr YOU bish bish. =P

rather i mean... how to put it. in terms of human relationships, in terms of emotions... does that make more sense?

I mean that used to be the case, when societies were more untied and everyone could sleep with their doors open at night. i guess it was because nobody else... ok i'm not making anymore sense. or rather i'm not making the point that i want to make.

RESTART
in this age and time when families are becoming more nucleated (i hope that's the correct word), is that sentence still as true as it used to be?! I'd like to think so. yet stuff around me hasn't proven so.

it used to be the case when you'd lend loans to distant cousins because your parents told you to because they were family. now tell me would you do the same today? i think i might see a few shaking heads if i were talking to an audience. yet would you lend that same loan to a friend? if we compare relatively, i think we'd find that the thickness of blood has decreased, whereas the concentration of water is staying the same. of course as i said, its relative. who WOULD be so gullible to lend people huge amounts of money now. why can't they go to the bank. or why can't they earn some more through their own means by taking up a few more jobs. it is after all an effect of education, where everyone is more informed about such matters.

or maybe just maybe, becuase i'm at this age, my TEENS and i'm raring to be an insolent brat who can't wait to get out of the house and do stuff others haven't tried before, do things that my parents won't intervene in. all the aspiration all the nerve. so i think friends are more important somehow. they spend all your time in school with you! they mug with you they die with you during trainings in cca, they stone with you, they help you with your problems. of course there's the occassional thing where your friends pull you into a negative situation, but if both of you come out of it being better people, then isnt' it such a happy ending? do you think i'd rather put my 死党first or my cousin's eldest daughter-in-law's father first?

its kind of like the "if so and so jumps into the water who will you save first?" question.

i'm not saying that in our own nucleated family blood is less thick than it used to be. in fact it is most probably thicker. they are after all your only form of support if all else in the outisde world fails you, all the more as relationships become clearer cut in this new age.

bah. i'm not making sense. i think if this were a gp essay, there would most probably be a lot of red squiggly lines indicating that i have yet to express what i want to say and that the marker doesn't understand what i'm trying to express. As ALWAYS what my gp essays were like.

ok maybe the topic wasn't so random after all. something just jolted my mind when my mum kept ranting about how i'd do community service yet not do anything to help at home. just gets me pissed off. RAR

i've been busy busy busy is all i can say.

HAPPY and FAT

2008-05-22T00:50:00.003+08:00

alright. i'm currently salivating at the list of food lizhen enjoyed in taipei cos the picture are like YUM YUM. hahha. alright i sound like a pig ok. haha.

alright. things are finally moving for drama. like yay. but now they're getting kidn of stuck as well. with my part. haha. sheet. how?! SCRIPT! i need to emo man. haha. den can write it out. and what can i say except that some people are really irresponsible. sigh... and lights course is REALLY interesting. like i saw how it worked during the hc dance concert. haha. damn cool man.

the last dance prac was one of the best i've had in a long long while. (: muscle aches the next day due to someone -cough cough- who did a lousy job at warmup =P okok fine. not that lousy... but we needed stretches cos we din come straight from training u know. lol. but it was great. (: at least we weren't doing some of my louya pok BH chereographies. hahaha.

walked damn far yesterday. went prop shopping and pulled jing along. but in the end i think it looked more like zhenhan being pulled. THE 2 OF THEM GANG UP ON ME LAH!!!!!!!!! RARRRRRRRRRR...but achieved a few objectives. PLUS exercised. PLUS shopped. PLUS talked. PLUS went mad (as ususal). PLUS ate NICE NICE CUTTLEFISH!. hahahah.

i'm a HAPPY and FAT girl right now. (:(:

fell asleep

2008-05-18T01:12:00.002+08:00

my bro came home later than me last night. at midnight. i wonder if its my fault for showing him a bad example. this is bad. sigh. i wonder if he has a gf....... that MAY or MAY NOT be good... i have no idea... -wrinkles forehead-

rarrr... i forgot what i wanted to blog about.

so i shall go on to talk about what i sinfully did with my partner in crime for today (or rather yesterday, since its already 1something in the morning).

omg i can't do this. i fell asleep. maybe tomorrow.

swimming swimming...

2008-05-10T23:54:00.002+08:00

i'm referring to my thoughts.

they're kind of assaulting me right now. right. a few things to clarify. and maybe help with something now too.

NUMBER ONE
i guess it is true that the environment we grow up in makes a difference in what type of beliefs we ultimately have. I write about this because a correspondence who was once from abroad has shared her view about certain things which i find hard to accept as an asian.

"I'm still a bit confused why you seem to be taking such responsibility for your brother. It is up to your parents to sort out what is available for him. Perhaps I am being selfish, but I think, actually practical."

I was certainly taken aback when i first read this. How can it be that as part of the family we do not show consideration for somebody's future financial needs when venturing into an important investment decision such as my education? To me, yes you are being selfish. utterly selfish. I have realised that most of my friends around me do take into account the current and FUTURE financial situations of their families. this is why i have associated this difference to perhaps the difference in upbringing. We may not show our love as openly as some cultures do in the form of physical affection. yet, does that mean that we love our families any less? it may be on the contrary in fact. We tolerate and we learn to live with one another. that may not be such a bad thing after all. i wonder if all the "propaganda" about how showing your love to your family members on a daily basis is actually gonna make you love anyone more. after all physical affection is simply what can be seen on the surface. is our society going towards a something where evrything becomes superficial? I have a feeling that what's deep may be lost soon if all this is continued to the next generation. yet globalisation has taken this to a new level which makes it unable to go against the flow. Its a scary thought.

i realise i have deviated from my point. point to make: i guess some cultures are more selfish than others.

NUMBER TWO
Is it true that everyone becomes jaded when we grow up? this pesimissim does not seem to show in children. the innocence lost. perhaps that optimism is lost with things like the loss in trust, the loss in personal belief. i think these are the 2 most important things.

without trust, we begin to keep secrets to ourselves. remember when you were 4 years old and you never ever trusted your parents anymore when they said they wouldn't hit you with the cane if you didn't do anything wrong. but when you were wronged because it wasn't your fault yet granny kept saying it was your fault.... that was when you started thinking of ways and means to hide the cane because you didn't trust them anymore. they lied. your secrets increased in number as you grew older. you trusted no one but yourself. sometimes, u'd entrust a few of these secrets to people you thought were your soulmates. but they dissapoint you at a point in time and you simply clam up after that. you trust in no one but yourself. it is sad, but true. optimism dips when you can't have anyone to share your problems with. remember the times when you hit your head on the table or on hard edges when you were young and your prents fawned over you. you trusted them and immediately thought you'd be fine. that feeling of hope would blossom in your heart as they consoled you with their soothing words. but as you age, consoling words wash over you, they bounce over you, they penetrate less into your heart, and you thought they didn't know how you feel, you thought they were superficial, you thought they were lying. only through seeing how other failed where you suceeded did you regain your optimism. some say that you can only encourage youself by encouragin others. sometimes i really doubt if its encouragin others. it seems more like seeing how others have failed and resolving not to be like them. alright i have deviated again and i am lazy to retype my point. please reread and conclude by yourself.

do you remember when you were 3 years old, you believed you could do anything in the world. i know i believed i could be an astronaut and wave goodbye to my parents from the space craft. yet as we grow older and encounter more setbacks, this belief in oursleves ebbs away. reality gnaws at these walls we have built around ourselves when we were young. as the defences get weaker, you no longer believe you are omnipotent. your confidence dies and when the defences are finally broken, you are jaded.

this seemingly childlike optimism can only be found in 2 special groups of people i have met so far. children whom everyone eventually grows out of, and the intellectually disabled. maybe god was right in making man not have a memory stronger than that of an elephant's or a crow's. it enables us to forget and forgive. that is easier said than done, but you do realise that the pain from most wounds fade away and turn into a dull throb soon after the incident happens.

alright. i think this is enough for tonight. i need to wake up early tmr as well. busy day tmr. good night everyone. i realise that this has been a rather depressing post and i'd like to sleep on it.

impulse

2008-05-09T00:49:00.002+08:00

i did feel like bloggin on the way home. but now i don't. just soo many things swimming in my mind. maybe tmr morning.

self-imposed restraint

2008-05-07T00:19:00.001+08:00

today was another interesting isp meeting

restrained by age huh... is it a self-imposed restraint

eekey

2008-05-02T01:23:00.004+08:00

ON MONDAY, we went to the lib we went to the lib -sing song voice- (:(: acted like some huge mugger sitting down at mac's reading our thick books. we were just pigging out with our TWENTY PIECE NUGGETS actually. HAHAHA. =P then we felt guilty for occupying space with out asses and bags and decided to SHIFT. went to cut my hair first though. It was the first time I cut my hair so far away from home (sounds like i'm cutting my hair in antartica or mars or something lol). boon lay mind you. the lady still asked if i wanted to purchase this voucher set, where the 10 haircuts go for 100 bucks, which is actually quite cheap. but considering that no one has really noticed that I have cut my hair even though I choose to believe that the hair cut does make a difference (feels much lighter now), might not really go back there... hmmm. SO FAR for one. then read A LITTLE, before falling asleep... zzz... den SOMEONE has sms SOMEONE ELSE to call and screech at me to wake up. horrible ehhh someone and someone else. haha. but oh well, at least i did progress until page 11 in the end all thanks to the screeching. I'd prefer a much better way of waking up next time thank you. lol

then... it was B&J'S FREE CONE DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i.e fattening day. HAHA. the queue at cathay took a suprisingly short while, considering that it was 2 storeys long. got our cones in 5 minutes after we made a donation at the box. (: unfortunately, i ha dto erhermdroperherm someone's ice cream and catch it with my forearm before placing the icecream back on the cone. be glad i saved ur ice cream =P dinner was with free flow ice cream, which wasn't as nice as B&J (DUH), but still ice cream, which is fattening all the same =S then it was a meeting with all my brains strewn out again after debating for hours in circles and not being able to decide on anything.

wednesday wednesday wednesday... it was plain slacking at home (:

and yesterday, met again to write the script, even though i left early, its finally done (: i hope the future changes will only be minor changes... :S JIAYOU TEAM! dinner was at ps with the soccer girls. celebrated peirong and sinyao's birthdays (: it was great seeing the 7 flowers again after such a long while. (: sorry for not being able to make it always... :( I TRIED! but yeah, last night was great. (:

weird dreams weird dreams... eekey

back to work...

waiting.

2008-04-27T23:46:00.002+08:00

i just finished the movie. (:(:

life is not a book. it can be over in a second.

when do we draw the line between waiting for something and fighting for something? waiting can make you dissapointed if wait for an entire life time. but fighting for it can make it go back all the way to step zero. so which?

so many thoughts in my head.

idea for next script. HAAHAHA. -.- its difficult man...

progress for progress' sake?

2008-04-27T23:09:00.003+08:00

tired tired tired.

watched 4/5 of a movie today. (: nice movie - lake house. (:(:(:

unfortunately some irritating idiot had to come and ka jiao me. -.-

last night. sigh. the temp structure for the actors din work out, even though we spent quite a lot of effort on it. i just hope the real thing is gonna come real soon cos they need to practice with it. i hope the actors dun get restrained by it in the end. big big big headache with that. today's rehearsal with the seniors was bad :( the comments were encouraging, but i knew i was dissapointed with our own progress.

i'm fast becoming the pai lang for our group. sigh. sorry, but my patience is running short. sua says i sound horrible when i'm angry. toot gay.

lib tmr lib tmr(:

busy busy week coming up. =S

naughty sushi!

2008-04-27T00:37:00.001+08:00

i think i had diarrhoea from the sushi. :(

tempted

2008-04-26T01:09:00.002+08:00

I'm still very tempted with Wateva... kick the habit. its difficult to stop after i've been doing this for almost 4 years now.

but anw, i had sushi today(:

now left ice cream craving. haha. BEN AND JERRY'S FREE CONE DAY!!!!!!!!!! (:(: its coming up its coming up! someone please volunteer to go eat ice cream with me on that day!!!!!!

i desperately need to clean my house. i swear its starting to smell funny. =S

went to COH today for a "introduction session". initially yc told me we were going for a cooking session. i almost freaked. ME COOK! hoho. some people are gonna laugh their asses off. it really is very sad case when you cook something and people don't believe you cooked it. lol. but anw, in the end it was just making fruit salad la... scare me can... i thought really the on stove fire and cook kind. that one I already got problems with people believeing that I can actually do that, and you still ask me to teach the beneficiaries, i'll just faint la. den after that went back to YMCA and slacked around val and jonh's desks somewhat, with everyone working like buzy bees around me. then went to novena and slacked around looking like some mother waiting for her kid (xinyi) to finish tuition at united square. den it was dinner and script script script. it went well. (: the depth was there, but i think we still hope for more progress tmr. ONE MONTH PLUS LEFT! i'm starting to panic for our sakes.

great. i forgot what i intially set out to blog after all the hype about my day. -.- WHAT HYPE

rarrr. irritatin. thought out eeyrthing in the shower already ok. come out den forget alr. -.-

i'm going off to check a new site. byeee

rock back and forth rock back and forth

2008-04-24T23:57:00.003+08:00

When will people start to learn to stop ignoring others? its plain rude sometimes.

bah

relationships are really irritating sometimes.

rock back and forth rock back and forth

bloody hell. this is a nonsensical post.

and i'm not lovesick even though after rereading this post i do think it sounds like it. i'm just feeling bloody irritated at some things.

I've no idea why i keep spelling ROCK as ROACK! arghhhhhhhh

i feel like quitting. the flame of enthusiasm is dying.

ok i officially conclude this a nonsensical post.

a bear's sanctury

2008-04-24T00:44:00.002+08:00

I watched a documentary after dinner. it was about this Singaporean's work in a country where bears were being illegally captured and exploited to get the bears' bile, which is believed to be very valuable in Traditional Chinese Medicine. These bears were kept in such horrid conditions, where the cage was juut big enough to contain their bodies, literally. The cages were simply as wide and long as their body would allow - i.e. their paws were sticking out. So this Singaporean set out to get funding and set up a sanctury for these black bears.

Bears get depression/hallucination too you know. don't be suprised. that scene was simply heart-wrenching. this bear was simply walking forward 2 steps, and then reversing 2 steps, almost like a dance on one spot. If we didn't know anything we might think that the bear was simply cute, cos it was dancing. after the explanation however, the scene of the bear moving back and forth simply took on an altogether different emotion. Having been caught in captivity for too long, this bear was hallucinating / suffered from depression or a mental illness. It simply thought it was back in a cage again. In the end, whilst the rest of the bears go into shelter for the night, this bear is left outside for the night simply because it can no longer react to its own surroundings, and personnel at the sanctury cant do anything about it.

and it was supposed to be a bear's sanctury huh.

since bears suffer from depression as well, I sometimes really wonder if some humans are simply naive to think that they're the only living things that can get depression.

on a lighter note, today was spent doing ycamp banner. hurray to jing for coming down to help me to complete it. (: den it was slack slack slack. HAHA. but at least we finished it! (:

good luck to my brains tmr. they're gonna be strewn like a warzone again.

no more ic :(

2008-04-22T09:12:00.003+08:00

it just isn't like me to blog during this hour when i have just woken up. because it isn't the time i emo. HAHA. butttt... i just had the weirdest dream... and i've no idea how to describe it. my dreams aren't really those extremely happy or sad dreams that people have. rather, in all my dreams, the similarity seems to be more of fear that strikes in the obscurest of ways that befuddle me when i wake up. the one i just had wasn't any better. i dreamt i was someone's erherm, and there was this psycho who planted a bomb in someone's car and was photogaphing everyone to see our reaction. den after we got into safety, the dream somehow transformed into me wearing a certain school's uniform in school...

argh. weird dreams...

and i have no more ice cream to cheer me up today before i go off for more torture... :(

eyes

2008-04-21T23:40:00.005+08:00

"Eyes are the windows to our souls."

Interesting huh, how some people's eyes give them away immediately when they tell a lie, whilst others can do it without blinking; how some people's eyes give away everything about their life in a moment when you see that melancholy look, whilst others never show a single hint of emotion; how some people's eyes have that fuzzy look wherever they go and whatevre they do whereas other eyes can kill with a stare...

Another interesting fact: The only way to see the brain from the outside without technology is through the eyes, right through the tiny hole where all the light goes into.

so brain or soul? both important parts of us, yet they form one of the most conflicting parts of a human being. you can yearn for it, but is your rational side going to let you do it?

enough of this somewhat depressing topic, cos even though its kind of interesting, it befuddles me. wat i did on saturday. we spent the entier afternoon in vivo trying to come up witht eh eprfect scenario for the script and actors. and yes were we satisfied. (:

along the way i met one p-school fren. and i must say baldies are really amusin, especially when u haven't seen them in a long while. it took me a little longer than 5 seconds when we walked past each other to see that somewhat familiar cheeky grin on his face. den the flash of recognition when we walk pass each other and look into the other's eyes. and woosh, everything about treasue in the sky falling right on his palm in jurong bird park came back. HAHA. i just couldn't stop laughing for like 2 minutes later cos i think we both had the bemused expression when we recognised each other. then it was a war zone at the cafe. after which we went for lunch and sat for awhile in the sky park at vivo. its a really nice place to just hang out and talk, or simply just not do anything and look into the sky, cos its dark and the ambience is nice. Then we moved on to pacific coffee cos our butts were wet from the wet patch we sat on in the sky park. and i THOUGHT i saw ANOTHER p-school fren. wasn't that lucky cos in the end, after much hesittion, i smsed her and i was initally shocked to find out that she really was in vivo, but just not at the coffee place.

sunday was cleaning up with little success. and den it was time to break the new to those slashed from the script. it felt so good later on that this burden was relieved.

today was just plain slacking around whilst i waited for THE stupid file to be saved.

i'm so dead for ycamp banner i'm so dead for ycamp banner.

but at least there's ice-cream to cheer me up tmr. i can't wait. (:

my poor brains

2008-04-19T02:07:00.000+08:00

dance today was cancelled. sigh. so we replaced it with good old shopping. it was filled with lame jokes and interesting encounters. haha.

i'm kinda dreadin tomorrow when i have to dig all my brains out and lay them on the table. i'm afraid that we wouldn't be able to finish the script, even though we have all 3 brains strewn like a war-zone on the cafe table in vivo.

somebody please send some divine help (if there is a god)

and i'm proud to say i'm done with the 3 banner drafts (:

happy birthday lim rongie. i'm ashamed to say i have't gotten u ur present. =S

banner work

2008-04-18T01:18:00.003+08:00

unhealthy unhealthy unhelathy!!! i'm getting zits all over my face. and somehow pple jus dun believe me that i get zits when i stop exercising. ITS TRUE I SWEAR! when i do exercise i hardly get any at all, not its as if i'm having a premanent outbreak. SIGH. damn unfit plu damn zitty. i should get my lazy ass off my chair to run one of these days. see where's the motivation huh. totally zilch. HAHA

anw, i'm just taking a break from doing the ycamp banner. kind of ran out of ideas. anything else to symbolise the O games coming up other than the torch and the 5 rings? i'm bored bored bored.

dance tmr.

i wanna pick up a new dance. like salsa or tap-dancing or sth, but i'm alr so busy. sighhh... oh well. i actually wanted to pick up so many things during this period of time. end up none at all. :( jing when are we gona sign up for a dance lesson?

and smelly smelly got asked by someone. HAHAHA. i've managed to learn only SOME of ur scandalous secrets tonight i think. i await more. :P after all good friends share the good stuff. HAHA

ok back to banner work. :(

PS i have decided to abandon WATEVA since everyone's been complaining abt it since eons ago...

again and again

2008-04-15T03:37:00.002+08:00

Wateva...

we can't choose for others what we want to know for ourselves.

when will i ever learn that, try as hard as i may and fall as many times as i have.

and how not to feel inferior.

Wateva...

不同的天空

2008-04-15T02:53:00.002+08:00

Wateva...

feeling inferior.

Wateva...

谁还记得_ _开始变化的时候
我和你的眼中看见了不同的天空
走的太远终于走到分岔路的路口
是不是你和我要有两个相反的梦

2008-04-14T00:31:00.002+08:00

Wateva...

innocence lost. gain it back.

sigh. somehow this jerks lots of stuff back even though we say its supposed to be a happy production. and no matter how hard we try to proclaim that we're the most innocent batch of all i guess we're still not all that innocent after all. working on this has shown me how and why.

i wish i could gain my innocence back that easily.

Wateva...

谁还记得是谁先说，永远都爱我？
以前的一句话是我们以后的伤口。
过了太旧没人记得当初那些温柔。
我和你手牵手，说要一起走到最后。。。

warped

2008-04-13T09:21:00.001+08:00

Wateva..

i have really weird dreams. sometimes i just hope they'd not appear. what's wrong with my warped imagination.

Wateva...

ungodly hours

2008-04-12T02:00:00.003+08:00

Wateva...

omg I've no idea why I'm bloggin at this ungodly hour. and i dun even know what i wanna blog about. just felt like it. i'm toot, yeah i know i'm toot.

this is the reason why I don't blog for spans at a time, cos after a while i find it tiring and boring. but den sometimes i just seem to have this urge to write SOMETHING you know. anyone knows wat i mean?

ah hah. i just remembered something. interview today didn't really go well to be honest. sigh. I HATE GROUP INTERVIEWS. you know at least in an individual interview you woudn't feel so intimidated by the rest of the answers? ok for the next interveiw i must remind myself that the purpose of attending an interview is to SELL MYSELF.

that sounds really wrong.
but its true. sadly. (i don't mean the wrong part larh!)

and just to SUAN somebody... we had NICE NICE ROU ZHONGS TODAY! i just hope u din donate anything. dun wanna be acused of cruelty to my friends.

OK SLEEP.

Wateva...

just reread my post and i'm suddenly reminded of something. night topics always somehow become weird. its a phenomenon i can't explain.

my new heels

2008-04-10T21:29:00.002+08:00

Wateva...

i bought new heels and i shall not spoil them
i bought new heels and i shall not spoil them
i bought new heels and i shall not spoil them
.
.
.
.
.
(chants)

they hurt me... :( got blister.

the heels were a last desperate measure to look proper for the upcoming interviews.

i still have no proper looking bag!!!!! -freaks-

Wateva...

hello everyone... i'm back.

2008-04-09T00:25:00.005+08:00

Wateva...

whee. its been such a long time since i last updated. every other post is starting to sound like that.

but anw, lots of things have happened since that last post.

1)i quit my job!!!!
2)i quit my job!!!!
3)i quit my job!!!!

like YAY. finally no more filing... like even data entry was better with doing filing... cos at least data entry haev to use A TEENY WEENY little bit more brains than filing. somemore filing I have to endure the streas of allt eh secretaries cos i keep walking ina dn out of my department to use the photocopying machine... and ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! i admit i hog it ok... cos got so many things to photocopy what....

but yes. those people in my office were nice, but i need to move on. currently living happily, finding a new job and completing uni apps. trying to get funding... for uk. sigh. anyone know where else to get funding? i don't even know which uk universities to give my firm and insurance offer to. actually i've only got to make 1 choice, if i even wanna consider uni birmingham. but then... sighhh. no money think about that for what... unless i get the warwick scholarship. which is virtually impossible actually, considering my grades. i mean i'll still try... but... yeah.

but yes, i suprisingly learnt a few of live's lessons in office. haha. like how to look like u're involved in doing work, and maybe like what my boss says, "learning to laugh". its really important i realised. oh well... things were getting kinda tense on the relationship kinda stuff when i left. so i hope all the best to them.

in any case, these few days have been spent nicely enough. (:

last wed was spent picnicking. (: ate non-stop, but we were happy. and our chicken was a success. to the extent that jing who kept eating chicken in china everyday still enjoyed it. (and she kept suanning me about the very evry nice chicken she had somemore... rarrrr) it was lovely weather at first, den it started raining... :( so boohoo. there goes plans for flying a kite. dun wanna get shot by lightning u know. but it was good picnic. (: the food was nice and the preparation worth it, even though they still say must prepare charcoal pills... and she got her present. (:

thurs was rehearsal at night, and fri was chiong choing day. hahaha. cooked chicken again for ymca. and chionged our lunch choinged everything, including photocopying of smu doc, and in the end by the time we reached doby ghaut decided we couldn't make it in time.. but nvm... it was all made up by yanny's teaching. hahaha. he didnt dissapoint. good teacher got good student. =P

den sat was rehearsals again. zhicheng is sooo cute. he's so shy. hahaha. i must go and observe bossy aunties... hmmm... evening went out with jing and smelly. to haji lane (I Think that's how u spell it) its this really cool lane near bugis (at beach road) which has shops within these shophouses. smelly very very funny. hahaha. she dun dare to come down one of the staircases in the shophouse cos it was very veyr steep. dun really blame her la. really very steep. haha. but me and jing were evilly laughing at her. lol. and i got a shock in that very same shop cos the terapin shot its neck out to bite me when i stuck my finger in...

sun had rehearsal for my role first time. tot it was good progress. (: but must give it more thought somehow. maybe sometimes it really is true that its easier for a director/scriptwriter to know what we want in a character and hence act it out more easily. didn't really understand my own character last year till the very end. hope it turns out better for the main characters and marbles as to what we want from them soon. there's only 2 months plus left to the big event. I really hope we can do it well. I've got something to prove. maybe not the others, but myself, i've got something to prove - to myself and to some people.

ystd went to smu and jing burnt a veyr big and nice hole in her dear fren's pocket. the fire's getting to my shirt already lahhh...

today was isp meeting, other than taking care of tortoise. uhmmm.... i think i can sat that it was an intersting mix of characters? certain people remind me of certain circumstances... i'm still excited about it, bu more apprehensiveness has settled in. at least one thing's for sure is that there's more work piling up for me...

and yes i must say the surprise party for 2 of some of the people i love best in the entire world didn't really go on as planned (only yanjun will know), but it still went well.. (:(: i'm glad it did. (:

Wateva...

I FORGOT TO SAY!!!!!!!! I CHANGED MY BLOGSKIN! haha. what a toot me. lol. decided to use blogspot's new layout thingy lah. too lazy to type out everything. cos my tagboard. died.... siann...

and winni... why the meeting change timing... i can't make it on the new dates... :(

2008-02-17T23:46:00.004+08:00

Wateva...

shitttttttt its been damn long since i blogged. sighhh. DAMN FREAKING BUSY. damn freaking tired. damn freaking sick of a lot of things going on around me. i'm just glad there are people around me who care.

cny was well, the usual borings? other than the gambling, nothing else was really entertaining. sometimes i really wonder wat's the point?! that about sums up my relative visiting. it can be a torture.

had fun at mrs fong's house and meeting pau with jing on chu san. THAT was cny "unkown relative" relief for me. it was the first time i've spent cny with any of my own frens b4. thanks. btw, mrs fong cooks damn good porridge. but i assure you, i dun just love mrs fong for that. she's just damn cute and nice. and she remembers. she really does. well we atoned for porridge by walking to kovan from serangoon but then threw it all away again when we ate the humongous red bean ice kachang and glutinous lotus rice. haha.

chu si was spent making dessert at jing's house while i managed to escape talking to my parents frens. i use the word escape cos i totally hate this guy, who's an mcp. i can't stand 5 mins listening to him talk without thinking of something very rude to retort. and well my parents understood. so i we made, or rather i played a small role in making the mango JUICE pomelo dessert cos there ws no mango! couldn't find nice mangoes at all. so sad. but the mango juice was superb. (: and coffee was content with letting me pat him. (: den after that we meet yj and pau at the airport to send lizhen off to india. i hope she's safe in india and get wat she wants to achieve there.

-THAT ON TOP WAS WRITTEN DAMN LONG AGO. i was just too angry at something to continue writing and totally forgot to post it up. below is an updated one dated TODAY wnyay. enjoy-

Wateva...
its been a tiring few days for me. tiring, but fulfilling. (:

dun really wanna continue with where i left off the other time. it'd be too far and too long.

went to YOG on thurs as volunteer to bring IDs to participate in the support. was quite fun for the atmosphere. but pretty mighty tiring too. went home dead tired after eating billy bombers at cathay with jing, pau, yj, val (volunteer from reading) and some others whom i dun really know. almost forgot to metion, took hald day leave so that we could make it in time to reach at 4, so i met jing and pau for lunch. we had a veyr yummy and satisfying lunch at the 99c sushi place at B1 in cathay. the sashimi was fat enough. (: but i think our own bacon thingy was nicer. heh. next time we must bbq that again, like the one we bbqed at wx's bday party. heh.

fri i went home for dinner. one of the few days in the week i've been going home. thank god. i felt cheated though. smelled rain coming out of the train station, and true enough, it was raining heavily.so i tropped into the basement MRT station again to emerge from the bus interchange side so that i can take a bus home that stops right in front of my house, only to find that the storm's turned into a drizzle. -.- and by the time i reach home, the drizzle's stopped. how much more can i feel like i've been cheated by the weather?

sat was another fulfilling day filled with many mini kisses by mosquitoes. haha. love bites. it was Ynaturewalks at Macritchie. something we've been planning, with me acting as comm member. it was satisfying to see everyone interacting with the beneficiaries and gaining something out of it. and as per normal, IDs were the happiest amongst the bunch. (: brings a smile to my face when you just see how much they've enjoyed the walk. had to act as the big baddy in persuading volunteers to return to the homes with them, but then, its your responsiblity after all c'mon. oh well...

and then and then and then... we took toot toot photos!!! hahaha. and yewchong simply had to grab me and drag me across the grass... thanks... made my back itch after that... -.- RARR. got scratches somemore.. but we had fun... (: so after washing up after we got a lift from yc, jing and me went down to raffles place. (: now i've got a new crupler bag that i like! heh. its quite shocking, but i want a change for once. (: looks something more like a boyboy will carry... but den WHO CARES. haha.

today went back to huiguan after being an auntie with my dad and bro at ntuc. our script is coming along fine... just the casting,... sighhhhhhhh. we're DESPERATE FOR ACTORS. somebody PLEASE HELP!!!!.-faints-

i can't wait for crabby dinner even though i'm broke. (:(:

Wateva...

[edit]
oh i forgot to metion something stupid i did sitting in the back of yc's van when we were going to macritchie. i directed redcross behind us to steer to yc's left when they were supposed to be following behind us cos i yc kept saying sth like "ehh why it dun wanna go left ah?!?!?!". actually he was talking about a mosquito in the van... -.- stupid right.

2008-01-31T23:43:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

spent a nice time with jing, pau, and a cao mugger by the name of yanny yesterday. watched sweenytodd. it was well... gory... no wonder its m18. yanny's fave.... eeeekks. jing and me were like hiding behind our jackets. but the songs were so nice!!!!!!! i must repeat again. if the scenes weren't that gory, i'd really have enjoyed the songs. and the story's got an unexpected twist at the end.... the suspense is cool cos of the music. exactly what musicals do. but i was kinda disappointed as to the characters. could see traces of the previous characters the actors played... i dunno.. maybe its cos i'm too nity picky. but other than that, i really felt it was worth watching after all. just prepare a jacket/pillow to hide behind if u aren't one for gory scenes like me.

talked to pau on the train.

expectations... lower my expectations, then i wouldn't be let down so much. lower my expectations, then both parties wouldnt have to suffer so much. simply by lowering my expectations, i have nothing to expect out of this, and you have no expectations to fulfill. wouldn't that simply be great.

but its human nature isn't it.

i suddenly yearned for all my friends to be around me, be it a one minute-friend, a longlost friend, a family friend, soulmates all, to be around me yesterday when i was in the train.

and its all about choices. you can't choose everyone to stay in your life forever.
and everyone chooses everyone they want to talk to.

BUT one thing you can't choose is whether the person chooses to engage you in that aprticular conversation that you may so yearn to speak to that person about. THAT is the other person's choice. after all, it takes 2 hands to clap.

its life that things come and go.
but its so difficult to accept that the circle is becoming smaller as we age!

the circle goes smaller and smaller and smaller, like a noose tightening around happiness.

i'm not maing any sense right

P.S. can someone devise a way to keep me awake in office please... =S

Wateva...

2008-01-26T02:00:00.001+08:00

Wateva...

ok. i haven't been updating for very long. i guess i jus din feel like updating. sounds so cliche, for like every single blog i've read for the past 1 hour plus.

i was supposed to go and sleep. but guess wat. the blogs call. and hoho. i surf.i did tell pau i was going to sleep.

i've had a boring week at any rate. work. now i understand it when people working say they miss school. i do too. its like there's no aim. i duno. at least no short term aim for me. (i dun consider completing something i totally do not understand in 1 hour a short term aim) maybe cos i'm just a temp staff. but it simply doesn't work out ok. getting me to comprehend weird launguages?! it simply doesn't work.

but at least it was a week that was brightened a little by some people.
last friday had dance prac. (:
sat wat did i do? can't rmb.
sun had meeting at hui guan. yay. chionged to j8 with xinyi to buy clothes, den went to run.
mon was work, plus going to shop for clothes with smelly. thank you my dear smelly. if we din walk into paragon i wouldn't have bought anything. mwahahaha. i think people think i go paragon buy wat. since when did shiqi, the person who's always in debt get so much money? cos got g2000 sale in metro! see. so i'm still a cheapo after all.
Tuesday went out for dinner with yao and prong. haha. pasta(:
Wed went to visit weixiang after his op, with jing and yanjun. toot toot leh you. see until like very kelian. can u please get well soon. we chionged his t-shirt out. haha. lucky got jing there. who did the shirt for you. if not..... den went for dinner at the hawker center, with alex too. and yanjun got an eery smile! HAHAHAHA.
thursday was just well, boring, unless u count seeing monitor lizzards in the long kou beside my office building with my boss and colleagues was eventful. its apparently their tradition. haha.
today i stayed at home and pigged la. slept like the entire afternoon. that's why i'm not sleeping now.

i had a sudden urge to complain about stuff. cos i read kiat's blog suddenly.
INFLATION. damnit. everything is increasing in price. and who's feeling the pinch? fixed income holders. i say WHATEVER to all the policies which are supposed to moderate wage growth along with the real growth of the economy. its really quite a load of crap dun you think, what with prices rising so fast right now, and the government blaming it on the increase in oil prices, den why aren't they doing anything to staunch it?! there's only blame. no action. pah. of course you dun feel it. u have higher pays, you dun spend money on public transport, you dun even spend much money on public utilities, simply because you make use of those in your country clubs. and even the price of food is increasing madly. at least a 20% increase. its craziness. its a neccessity! how can you let the prices rise like this! ok i get it that price controls aren't going to work here, nor anywhere else in the world, seeing that i'm really quite a capitalist. but then, you can't just say its cos of the price of oil and let it run wild whilst the people are sufferring right? you are the govt. for god's sakes. do something. ok wait. all my countrymen, stop in our tracks. aren't we just a group of people who always complaing that the govt isn't doing anything for us, while we ourselves are empathetic? lol. the govt = god. that's almost the case in our country isn't it. take a step! do something. but then, we wouldnt' want stirkes about wage rises to happen, leading to a wage-prices spiral too right. bahhhh. i'm not making sense again.

increasing prices on the road isn't going to help ease traffic you realise? you put everyone in the north / east / west, and then you expect those people to pay for getting to work when they drive? simply doesn't make sense. maybe if my parents had bought a house in the cbd they wouldn't have to pay so much right now. we might even be saving more money! you make people pay on this road, another road jams, then you make people pay on that other road too. its a never ending cycle.

i'm not making sense. maybe its the curfew they imposed on me. yay. movie tmr. (: i won't be bored. ahma! i'm not eating lunch!

Wateva...

2008-01-15T11:56:00.000+08:00

Wateva...
omg. sometimes i hate my dreams.

WERID DREAM:
SAT NIGHT
dreamt i was in school on the night b4 A-level results came out. and WHY?!?!?!? cos staying over in school! arghhhh. what a weird dream. and like there were people from everywhere in my life. of course except my family la. cos they dun take As wat. people i remember from the dream: jing, zhixin(though i dunno why!!! cos its supposed to be a stayover in nj! lol.), xinyi(another one not from nj!!!), and winni. i'm sorry all those people who either din appear in my dream or whom i don't rmb appearing in my dream(i certainly hope its the second choice). as you can see, its really everyone from all over my life. is this pre-examresults stress? =S
ok i shouldn't talk about. like wat xp said, its a taboo topic.

FREAKY DREAM:
SUN NIGHT
it had marriage in it. FREAKY..... yes no?! CONFIRM FREAKY!

and i can't seem to be satisfied with anything huh. sucks....

and i seriously seriously seriously HATE being ignored.
people shouldnt' be ignored.
it isn't as if ignoring somebody is gonna make the person feel any better than if u'd answered.
is answering a yes or no so difficult?
its just WHAM plain ignorance in your face.
as if u didn't hear or see my question. wth.
its been a long problem. and it sucks.
bahhh. why am i writing this. u most probably dunno that i'm referring to YOU anyway.
that's all the more why it sucks alright.
and you know wat's the BEST thing?
i haven't yet confronted u about it at all.
and i'm so ANGRY at myself for being able to put up with it for so long.
would u ignore me if i was someone else? someone else who lost their temper more easily?
i dun want it to come to the extent when everything bottled up in me comes out and then it'll be over FOR SURE.

bahhh am i frustrated.
Wateva....

[edit]
another thing has just been added to the list of ignorance. this sucks. its another YOU btw.
woohoo. i'm getting ignored top down bottom all over. its a cause for celebration ain't it?

"ignorance is bliss" wth. for the few minimal times i've said this in my life. f***.

2008-01-11T00:36:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

ARGH. my feet are officially dead. i wore my prom heels to raffles place for an interview at microsoft today, den got a lift from my aunt to work. by the time i reached my workplace, my feet were numb with pain. :( blisters all over... stupid heels.... :( supit feet. :( stupid me. :(

anw i babbled on nonsensically in the interview when all they wanted to know was my proficiency in excel. sighhhh... cos i was sooo nervous. in any case, how many JC students nowadays know how to use excel.... i just scammed lo. haha. but i actually went to pick up this book a few days back and began to teach myself k... quite interesting. u really can do a lot of things with it.

work today was worse. i really can't stand some people in there. and my success rates is simply dipping lower. i'm seriously considering quitting even before i find another job. zzz.

surveyed this lady who was related to someone in an accident in the recent newspapers. i shan't say which particular one, cos it may be sensitive. but in any case, after i heard her story, i realised how fortunate i am.
that's the only part satisfying about this job, getting to listen to different types of people. but apparently not satisfying enough to persuade me to stay on.

when i have no idea whether u really mean it, it really hurts.
maybe it hurts even more cos i need to battle with myself if you truly mean it.
where's the trust. i think it disappeared a long time ago.
den why cling on u stupid girl.

Wateva...

2008-01-10T00:06:00.001+08:00

Wateva...

boohoo. can i retract what i said yesterday about my job? i'm really rather depressed at how fast my job is going right now... i swear i'll never reject a survey again unless i really have no time. :( everyone wants to put down the phone on me. :( and there are soooooooooooo many unused numbers!!!!!!!!!!! den when everyone's going home, i'm going to work... bahhhhhh.

i think i'm VERY down on my luck. seriously.
cos even my day job applications aren't going rather well. :(
and i keep getting
"this is a singtel telecom announcement, the number you just called is no longer in use"

sighhhh. this sucks....

:(:(:(:(:(:(

Wateva...

2008-01-08T23:45:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

oh my goodness. my new job. hahaha. wat a joke.

i'm not earning enough, cos its commisioned based, to even cover my now SUPER EXPENSIVE ADULT transport fares. damn sian.... i hate adult fares. its really a big joke la. lol. even my new found friend, who's working full time at a architectural firm thinks its a joke. haha. cos we're both newbies, other than these 2 girls, whom i haven't talked to yet.

oh yes, i forgot to mention. i'm a telephone surveyor.

actually, its quite an interesting job if you actually dismiss all those rude people. maybe its cos today i surveyed the elder generation. they're quite an interesting bunch if u actually listen to them. i found myself smiling and truly laughing at some of their responses. there's something philosophical to their answers i guess? considering how long they've actually lived.

BUT in any case, i'm STILL looking for a day job. hopefully one that gives me better office working experience as well as a better pay.

i need exercise.
i see the field below my house empty and i wanna kick ball man..... maybe i should organize one for the soccer girls... one sat morning... before all the guys come and train in the field, we chope it first. heh.

Wateva...

2008-01-07T09:35:00.000+08:00

Wateva....
sometimes i have the nicest dreams. but sometimes, i'd rather not have all these dreams at all when the nightmares come.

i had an entire stream of nightmares last night. it really freaked me out. sometimes i have these dreams about other people, where in one moment i'm actually this person whom i've never met in my entire life before, and in the next instance when something bad happens to that person, i'm looking from a third person perspective. its as if i caused that something bad to happen to the person. i had one like this last night, and it was about dark magic. jing is right. the things i dream about are weird. maybe i have too much imagination. maybe i'm too restless at home doing nothing. then there was this one about myself dorwning in the middle of the holiday. i actually woke up feeling as if i couldn't breathe. amazing wat the mind does to you?!

going for a job interview today, but not sure if i realy wanna be stuck with this job for 3 months. if i manage to get an office job, i'd gladly do so. hopefully i find one soon. in the meanwhile, this is better than sitting at home and doing nothing.

Wateva...

2008-01-02T00:03:00.001+08:00

Wateva...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!! i spent the first day of my new year in 2008 packing up my study room. and i really mean pack, not the usual "chuck everything into the cupboard".

threw away all my IP worksheets, though i dunno why i even bothered keeping them. ended up throwing away FOUR BIG PLASTIC BAGS of rubbish. that was excluding my bro's miniscule plastic bag (miniscule cos compared to mine... haha. )

i'm kinda happy at the state of my study room now, cos it looks much less cluttered. i think if jing and aud comes to my house around this time, they won't be sneezing as much cos got much less things with dust in them. haha.

oh well, so that was how my mum got into a better mood on the first day of 2008, packing up stuff in the house. i think she's a true clean freak. lol.

buhbye people. happy 2008

and i haven't done my new year resolutions yet. :(

Wateva...

2007-12-30T23:58:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

parties and more parties...

out on mon and wed with jing, smelly and jw. ran errands, den still kena bullied ahhh.... lol. blame myself for being a nice person. =P

den thursday went for gold outing, where there was not enough food! cos the guys din tell me they were coming... lol. but it was still pretty fun trying to sneak around dishan's cake and waiting for the cake's grand arrival together with its arrival with xinyi, at the bus stop with yingqing cos our dear fren was late. =P it was fun reliving childhood times playing at pasir ris park and quarreling with other kids.

friday was busy day. woke up at 7am to go to the market. den cooked from 3 plus all the way to 7 plus. i tell you, my dear feet were dying by the time i finally got to sit down at around 8. lucky lu came early to help stuff the chicken. (: everyone else ps me in helping to cook ah, except christabel. lol. in the end my mum kept complaining she need to help me prepare... damn sian diao can. but nvm, at least we enjoyed dinner and stayover. (: did damn a lot of stupid stuff. haha. AND THEY STILL DUN BELIEVE THAT I COOKED! boohoo. a lot of effort went into cooking that lor.... den no one wants to admit... must all be jealous ahhh. lol. joking.

sat was another party day, went to party with ymca dance people at jw's house. teppanyaki and steamboat! by then i almost konked out at the end of the day. but the grocery shopping in the morning with the guys was hilarious. lol. guys have completely no system when they are grocery shopping. serious. and they wanted to go cold storage!!!!!!! its so darn expensive there la! my dad damn funny, say they "eat rice dunno the price of rice" in hokkien, after i told him the story today. kena called ahsoh somemore, for being choosy about cherries and mushrooms... first time ever... but it was good to see pau and lizhen again, even though pau had a sprained ankle. i hope ur ankle will get well soon!

today was simply eating again at my aunt's house, other than the fact that i did a considerably large amount of cleaning from morning till early afternoon. learnt the components of a window whilst cleaning the windows of my house today. looked like an absolute monkey sitting on top of its high post whilst climbing all over the place. i dunno what my frens will say if they ever saw me climbing around like that.

i realise that i haven't made my new year resolutions yet. i heard something on chinese radio about how people burn something significant in that portion of their lives that they dun want to bring with them into the new year. like for example, works' not going very well, den burn something that represents work or something. i'm thinking maybe i should do that. i really dun wanna bring some things into the new year. i really don't.

its still not too late to start thinking of my new year resolutions now.

Wateva...

2007-12-26T02:15:00.001+08:00

Wateva...

sometimes i really dunno who, why and what i'm doing all this for.

i'm just feeling very hurt. again.

whoever said ignorance is bliss is a liar.
and at this next moment i'm marvelling at how spoilt a brat i'm sounding, blaming the whole world.

i think its the late nights and hormones.

what i feel can't be put into words on a letter no matter how many times i attempt the letter.

i'm keeping it in a box, and maybe when i grow up more i'd find how silly all this sounds.
and maybe not, maybe cos people won't even link this blog entry to what they might find in my most treasured possesions.

its a wonder how some peoples' most treasured possesions consist of riches while there are people like me, who have unfinished letters they never could bring themselves to finish, as their most treasured possesions.

Wateva...

nightmare

2007-12-24T03:31:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

Back from China. it was an ok trip. the scenery was beautiful and everything, just that i din get the luxury of shopping.

will upload photos soon.

had many bad dreams whilst sleeping in the hotels there. first time on a holiday which i couldn't sleep well. i've no idea why.

one included some drama of how we couldn't complete out journey cos of a car crash or something.

the other was worse. i was so bothered by it i couldn't sleep again. dreamt i was "abandoned" first literally, den figuratively, by my friends. met them somewhere for lunch, and then they disappeared as dreams do. tied my shoelace to cross the road, almost met with a car accident, climbed an entire flight of stairs highger than nj's 80 over steps, just to find them cos i thought i saw them somewhere in that mac's.

then i found out they were organising a holiday without including me in it. the dissapointment and sense of betrayal just consumed me. but as per my normal self, whenever things like that happen, i simply behaved as if nothing happened. NOTHING HAPPENED. sometimes i dun believe my own actions, even in dreams. like wth. And i still tried to be helpful, like asking them if they have enough clothes etc., even though i felt so betrayed and hurt inside. the pain would seem to fade a bit when i put on that fake smile, that fake mask. but after that it'd be back in full force at double the impact.

i thought i wanted to post this dream up cos people say that if you tell others a dream it wouldn't come true. and i can't tell other people who these people in the dream are, so i tot i'd just use this short cut method since i really didn't want this dream to come true.

seems like i'm already feeling betrayed now and feeling the same thing all over again, doing the same helpful thing all over again, and when the person's gone, i just cry to myself again.

maybe its cos i posted this post up too late. wait a minute what am i talking about, it would have happened even if that dream didn't happen.

or maybe its just me. i feel as if i've been taken advantage of all my life. maybe i should change the way i treat people?

but that's who i am. and that's why i get hurt again and again.

i thought friendship meant u did things together, no wait until u do something and let the other person know about it through someone else. u didn't imgine how i'd feel did you? i'd rather you have told me straight in the face.

i hope that by the time if u ever read this u'd already forget it. or maybe if u do remember it, please do me a favour and never mention this, but tell me the truth from yourself next time.
maybe you wouldnt' even know i'm talking about you. that's what i'm talking about.

i'm not directing this at anyone i just need to write it down somewhere alright, or i'll burst, cos the place where i used to write in is no longer available for use cos i can no longer bear to write there. its shut down for good. maybe i should shut this blog down for good and find a new start too.

if u ever read this, please understand that i'm not angry anymore by the time i write this. i'm just hurt.

2007-12-10T23:23:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

i dunno where i read this from. a cut may heal but the scars will stay. and that's how i felt about something today.

its like how people forgive but never ever forget what they forgive. sorta reminds me of that talks i had with some soccer girls.

Wateva...

2007-12-05T22:01:00.000+08:00

Wateva... prom was well............... prom. haha. first dressup, first clubbing experience. not first camwhoring though. =) it was fun. but i wouldn't wanna do it often. i'm broke cos of that now. have to scrimp for everyone's christmas present... =S

anyone have interesting job offers? or else in banks?!?!? i need a job!

and i have no freaking idea wat to add in my resume... damn. Wateva...

P.S. thank you to all those who attempted in trying to make me more feminine for prom. haha. your help was quite appreciated, though with how much success i wouldn't know, since ms tay was still horrified by me at the end of prom. special thank yous to jing for being primary fashion consultant and giving emo support, smelly for shopping and being another fashion consultant, nat as a shopping buddy, and pei rong as spree buddy. =)

people in... people out...

2007-11-26T00:32:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

oh god. its been ages since i last updated. and there's been so many things happening, that i just didn't feel like blogging. but now there's too many things. its all stacked up. i need to let it out. well first of all

THE As ARE OVER. like omg. FINALLY OVER. after 4 years in nj, what we've worked for, its finally over... yet i dun feel any exhiliration, nor do i feel any sense of satisfaction. is there anything wrong with me? i dun feel as if i worked as hard as i should have. i dun feel as if i'v eput in enough effort. i dun feel as if i've done my bets. i dun feel as if i'd die to take the As. but isn't all of that supposed to have been one of my top priorities? am i still jaded? about what? i can't figure out. i'm actually scared now. scared of what's gonna happen to me in march next year. i need to slap myself out of this. i'm a big fat liar and a scaredy cat.

so many things...

next thing on my mind. mr steven low. omg. i do hope that eveyrthing will go well for his family. he was a good teacher. i didn't believe it when jing told me. i was thinking, which one? though i didn't know him personally, it was nice knowing that there was actually a teacher around who could joke with his students about so many things. he was well respected. and i believe he will continue to be respected by his students and family alike.

and thinking about how people come in and out of our lives really seem to coincide with a lot of things i have to say in this post.

we're finally leaving nj. the hell we've claimed to wanna leave and never go back for ages, ever since we sarted gossipping with the teachers and started building personal fueds about the mantainance of the school, the management of the school's funds, what colours the walls should or shouldn't be painted, which items in the school were considered white elephants, what kind of sophisticated but yet inexpensive machinery could be used to operate the side gate..... and the list goes on. we bitched, we talked cock, we complained, we went through stuff together, as one IP. no matter the many threats of leaving, most of us ever did. the teachers left, and i guess only mr sim is left. the wordplay is ironic... his letter really touched my heart deep down inside. oh the tears dropped for the many teachers that left. i cried for sun laoshi, i cried for the video mr goh made for us in ip1, i cired when mr james lim left, i cried for the speech that mrs fong gave in the video during farewell assembly, i cried even before the math teachers said anything in the video. i simply cried cos they were there, all those teachers, and they all left or will be leaving our lives, after making such a great impact on our lives. oh what a cry baby i am. but yeah, i think u know what i mean. its worth it. i guess i won't ever forget that IP camp that drove all of us to nuts through the stupid thins we endured together such as building our own tent out of recycled materials and sitting in the dark playing cards hoping the teacher woulnd't catch us, or would we forget the hilarious feedback session in total darkness the entire IP cohort had with ms ng in lt1, due to nj's power-saving activities, and neither will any of us forget how we endured the projects piled onto us and seeing almost half the cohort online the night before a deadline, the crazy assessment weeks, our rushing to classes through the entire IP3 and IP4 cos we couldnt' get used to not having permanent classes, all those times spent int eh canteen at the orange tables with my bcme group, at the oasis and lib studying and having more consultations than i ever would have imagined, plus the discrimination thingy that we're still having to deal with right now, even with our own juniors, and all those times we spent together be it in the library / canteen / our beloved tc clasrooms / gelare / covo / greenwood / coro / kap / tea party..... though i may not know every 128 of us well, i dare to say that all of you will leave my mind in a whirl of what has happened over the past 4 years, even when i'm old and senile and have alzheimers. maybe i won't exactly remember, but trust me, it'd definitely stir up something. and so i remember that around this time of the year in 2003 we were having our own induction, being tootified sec 3 girls and boys 4 years ago.......

watched my cousins and drama juniors play yesterday. it was really heartwarming to see them acting. really puts me on an urge to act again, to once again be someone who is not what i am. it somewhat provides an avenue of self-reflection? to think about and look at what i've done for myself from another person's point of view. lets me criticise myself. self-reflection is done. and i learn. i really do learn. though it hurts. its another avenue to my life alright? i love the stage even if it doesn't love me back. some might object to it, but hey, sorry, its me, so go away and leave me alone. i need my space.

talked to hg friends after the performance yesterday cos we went to have a little girl talk at tp mac's. dishan was complaing about school life, and cliques. some of the scenarios were too fresh in my mind to let me feel comfortable. i've never been comfortable with that kind of topics. it always stirs some sort of a rage and misery in me which makes me wonder why good things don't last forever. which when i reflect and think about,the answer's so simple and so very glaring that it hurts to actually think "hey, how stupid can i get?" because the answer simply is that without hardship, you can never know what is joy, and you'll never appreciate what's good and what isn't.
but i'm just not comfortable with the idea of people leaving my life alright? call me possesive if you like. i just HATE that feeling. but who doesn't. so stop being such a sore loser. lose some win some. isn't that how the world goes...

and damn it i haven't seen the soccer girls since i dunno how long ago. arghhhh. when are we gonna meet!!!!!!!!!! all my faul la.... shit la. freak.

but i bought my prom dress in jb though. one load off my mind at least. now my primary fashion consultant's gone on holiday to taiwan, i'll have to rely on the secondary ones. haha, Those like smelly... i hope she doesn't do anything bad to me... :S. JOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! you can whack me like a penguin for this. =P

Wateva...

2007-11-08T23:45:00.000+08:00

wateva. damn it. i shouldn't even be here. i need motivation!!!!!!!!! shit. slacked two entire days away. damn damn damn. wateva...

2007-10-26T23:47:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

its amazing how movies/tvshows can really put through some of their ideas. sometimes they really do make a difference when people actually do bother to look at what's under all that laughter or tears when you finish watching a programme. maybe that's why i like the stage. ok i'm deviating from my purpose. lol.

2 major takeaways:

1)what people do hurt you because THEY MATTER.

2)i don't wanna wake up tomorrow and know tat i wasted another day/sunset.

i need a hug
Wateva...

2007-09-30T11:00:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

原点 - 蔡健雅/孙燕姿
拥抱的时候心情有点痛也去提早感受到寂寞
离开的时候只听见沉默
除了沉默我还能怎么做选择
别对我抱歉别总觉得对我亏欠
现在他在你的身边就对他好一点

不要再让你们的爱败给了时间
既然遇见了永远就不要说再见
不要再让你们的爱输给了永远
我们曾经过那么多考验最后还是回到了原点

总有那一天相遇的瞬间
确定那些冷漠的从前已走远
别对我抱歉别总觉得对我亏欠
现在谁在你的身边就对谁好一点

不要再让你们的爱败给了时间
既然遇见了永远就不要说再见
不要再让你们的爱输给了永远
我们曾经过那么多考验最后还是回到了原点

我应该就走开就算感情还在
我应该就放开对他不再依赖
忘了曾有过的片段这是属于你们的未来

不要看到你们的爱败给了时间
我能愿选择离别没有一句怨言
直到你能若无其事聊起了从前
我才发现彼此都了解

默契是最宝贵的语言

2007-08-14T23:47:00.000+08:00

bahh. i dun wanna blog anymore. everytime i feel liek blogigng something keeps me from doing it. might as well not do it anymroe even if tis forced. wth. i hate a lot of things right now. including myself.

WATEVA

2007-08-01T23:04:00.000+08:00

Wateva... i've been rather put off for the past few days. maybe no one has realised. sometimes i dunno if what people say are really true anymore even though they claim that they're telling the truth. sometimes people say they don't want to hurt you any more than they would if they did it any way else. sometimes people hurt you without thinking that they've hurt you. sometimes people hurt you to please themselves, to get it out of themselves. i don't know anymore. and just when i thought that i could be truthful, just when we told each other we could be truthful.

it hurts you know. it really does. maybe i'm too overly sensitive, but when people do that sort of thing and i dunno if you really mean it do you know the agony i feel when i start thinking if what we really said just a short period of time ago was really true? and when i start thinking that maybe it isn't true, that no, you can't mean it that way, then i start fighting with myself. and no matter what the rest say, i can't believe that you actually mean it.

i understand that dissapointments from my behaviour are possible. but it isn't a very nice feeling when i get ignored time and again, get remarks which really hurt time again.

and if i've disappointed you (actually i know i have) , then i'm sorry. but i'm trying very hard to keep that balance. prioritising needs to be done. i ain't saying that you aren't important anymore, just that i'm currently caught up in things that you can't see, pressures you might not understand. if this ain't enough, then maybe you'd talk to me one day soon, before things get out of hand. i'd be glad to explain to you. if only you'd stop the remarks. cos they really do hurt a lot.

tears this year again. when i thought i wouldn't be needing them anytime soon. now i see how wrong i am.

mugging has been really tiring. i'm just glad i've had people to keep me up along the way.

endangered more pandas today. and took more stuff out of the cupbard of sins. comments on how fat i've grown have been taken into consideration, yet it isn't enough to keep hungry me from the cupboard of sins. or rather, now its been transformed into a room of sins.

i hate growing up. GROW UP YOU LOUSY. Wateva...

2007-07-28T15:38:00.000+08:00

Wateva... ahhhhhhhhhhhhh i just finished THE BOOK. omg. i've really got to thank jyun for lending it to me. :) its sooooooo wonderful. (: but i shan't say anything. i totally abhor spoilers. wanted to throw my shoe at those people who were talking about it on the bus. luckily i had my ear phones still working slightly and a strong neck to keep my ear phones in that position. if not... -raises my fist-

and wat weige sad the other day was really quite random, but maybe a tat true too. it was something about how since the harry potter series has ended, its as if our childhood has ended as well. our generation spent our teens and childhood waiting for the book in apprehension, reading the book in excitement, and watching the movies in great dissapointment some might say, but with great zest and enthusiasm in supporting anything that was "harry-potterish". =) i for one wanted to take pics with the gigantic poster of daniel radcliff in cinileisure, no matter how much jing says that tom felton looks much better. haha.its the character, not the looks!!! haha. oh no she's gonna kill me if she ever saw this...

5-a-side on thusday was a waste. wanted to play but i had tuition. damn. and i did a nice but stupid goal. headed a ball which turned out into an own goal. -.- and i went into tuition exclaiming it to jing with 2 cj guys sitting behing her sniggering when i said "ah i can't imagine i headed in an own goal". when i realised wat i'd said it was already too late. damn. sorry girls!!! for not putting up a hard enough fight. but it was still pretty fun though. (:

unsure of what to do...

endangering pandas. haha. Wateva...

2007-07-23T21:57:00.000+08:00

Wateva... i havent' felt like blogging.

its time to look at the future, no matter how murky it seems, and try to decide what the best step is for now.

i need to really buck up to get what i want. Wateva...

2007-07-17T22:31:00.000+08:00

Wateva... yahoo music radio is playing all my favourite songs tonight. sometimes it plays the weirdest songs. but today its like every single song falls into place so perfectly. yay. perhaps it menas a changing point in life? sigh. i read too much and hope too much in these signs sometimes.

AND replying to weishan. thank you dear shan. this crazy duck loves you too. (: i shan't keqi next time then, if i'm feeling down. but the thing is sometimes i just dun wanna infect everyone else with it too? it seems somewhat inconsiderate of me to, cos in the first palce those troubles dun seem to belong to other people anyway? and i think i whine too much sometimes too. to the extent of irritating people. and sometimes putting on a brave front may be simply to try to pull my own spirits up? i dunno. its too complicated for a dumb duck like me to understand.

someone told me not to talk to her out of pity IF EVER i pity her.
READ THIS (if you ever read this entry): the thing is i won't ever pity you. cos in the first place i'd be trying too hard to pull you out of it. if ever i pity you, you can chuck me away as a friend. i don't pity my friends. i wanna walk with them, not pity them. this i can promise to all my true friends. a true promise.
those who don't get my pity, well, i guess we aren't there yet? let's try getting there together? and sometimes i think pity gets me into more trouble than i already am in. experience shows.

i need to start mugging. and weishan, stop digging your own hole!!!!!!

tmr is gonna be another day wasted if i don't make use of all the time in between. and it isn't as if i have much time left. damn.

I dun even know who's reading and who isn't reading this blog anymore. Wateva...

2007-07-16T21:55:00.000+08:00

Wateva... won MINDS amazing race = swensen's voucher. (: gonna get fat la. sigh. my dad and i both agree that i'm gonna be fat in the future. haha.den my dear dad tried to comfort me by saying that being a little fat is ok. just being fit is good enough.

the talk we had on sat was, well comforting, to know that there are actually people out there who care for me. thanks girls.

watched dim sum dollies on sun. still preferred the first one i watched, i.e. thier second production, was the best out of all that i've watched. that was the one i watched when i was in IP1. that was really good. maybe they should aim at a larger age group... my dad didn't understand a lot of the jokes. fell asleep leh that lousy pok. dim sum dollies also can fall asleep. haha. but still can't deny that they were good. especially when there's 8 guys sitting beside your goup who laughs like every 8 seconds. then you start wondering why u aren't laughing and if you're slow or not. haha.

today: cattle versus kettle. haha. lu you're the ultimate. (:

and i've slacked away another day. damn.

gonna be 100 days soon....... Wateva...

2007-07-11T23:23:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

watched The Constant Garderner for Food for Thought on enrichment week. that was certainly something else that REALLY enriched me. glad i didn't miss it in the end. it was something like another gp movie. but it was really good. simply shows so many more things that can be done for humanity by humanity. and i thought animal testing was bad enough. i can't imagine if this film were true, which may very well be the case, cos of the "profit-maximising firms".

The film was about what the practices of pharmaceutical industries may have impacted in Africa, of how tests of drugs are being done in Africa, and how humanity tries to console itself by giving away stuff itself doesn't want. reminds me of how someone went sorting at the slavation army and found stuff like a spiderman suit, long overdated canned food, torn clothes. hello people, if you think you're doing people a favour by "dontating", think again. you're treating volunteers as rubbish dump sorters. and it doesn't help one bit. if anyone reading this has ever done anything like that, please do stop what you're doing. You're not helping in any way, except maybe in clearing your own conscience and being selfish for not wanting to properly dispose of and not checking the stuff before you hand it in for donations. But if any of the stuff that happened in the movie were true, it would be a thousand times worse than what's happening in slavation army in Singapore. There'd be so many innocent beings dying, when we were trying to "save" them, by giving them drugs long overdue, or doing test drugs on them cos we don't want to waste money on placebos. Shame on all of us if we ever let this sort of atrocity happened. i hope nothing of that sort will ever happen and that nothing of that sort has happened.

studying with the soccer girls has been, well, enriching as well. thank god i have you girls. i think god blessed me with them. (:

unfortunately my results weren't. sigh. this is the worst kind of marks i've ever gotten in my entire life of being educated. If i hadn't already accepted that i wouldn't do well for this test i think i'd just breakdown and cry in the middle of every single lt i stepped into to recieve my results. still remmeber promos last year when i was so disappointed with myself. seems like those weren't really results to be disappointed in now. but expectations were higher then. If any of my teachers ever saw this i'd die from simply the look of disappointment on their faces. there's somehow this feeling of desolation, jadedness, acceptance that's starting to set into me. and that's starting to set into everyone. is this considered as demoralising ourselves? or is it simply just me, being a too-high achiever, that Us seem to be ungainly marks for me. There's this dogged determination to persevere on till the As come. yet this perseverance seems to be getting drained, seems to be stuck behind some impenetrable glass wall. and it isn't helping that my Us are whacking me all over. mr ong's theory of pulling your friends along eh? always thought that was important. just never realised how big an impact it can make to myself until this cts. glad it was of service to some other people along the way. but currently, i need to be pulled along.

and wat weishan said today really made a lot of sense? anyone can be nice when they want to. its simply how people look at it, and maybe how that person presents herself to the rest of the world?

damn. this is an emo night.

and it ain't easy trying to stay cheerful when i'm feeling jaded.
and mind you its staying cheerful and not acting cheerful. i hate it when people have to act cheerful.

this entry has made me want to do a lot of things. TODAY has made me want to do a lot of things.

to go to do cip to really help humanity in every small way i can, be it stimulating the economy or simply being there. to go on an overseas trip with the friends kept close to my heart. to study harder. to stay happy.

can i? will i?

Wateva...

and damn. i forgot a lot of things i wanted to say. i hate this sort of things. life is precious. thoughts are even more precious because they form life.

2007-07-09T22:10:00.000+08:00

Wateva... i had quite a fulfilling day with the soccer gals today. (: went to school early and watched the drama thing which was pretty amusing. haha. den went for muggin session for like one and a half hours only. lol. but i managed to understand sampling theory and hypothesis testing!!!!!! (:(: amazing right... haha. den went to play pool. (: haha. i finally know how ulu bukit timah shopping center is. its like some super dead town la. i thought it was normal cos i only walked through there a few times when i was going home from al azhar to get to the other side of the road to take a bus home? seems like its as quiet in the day as it is in the night.

blood diamond for enrichment week was nice. it was really touching. but it somehow felt like a gp movie to me: slavery, child labour, children soldiers, war, civil unrest, family ties, the widening income gap... somehow seems so real, but cos its a movie it doesn't seem that real either. ok that didn't really make a lot of sense.

had a friendly with the badminton guys too. we were... well... shall we say, self-entertaining. and we din get thrashed ok! we held our ground pretty well agaisnt guys i must say. yay. i'm proud of my girls. (:

ok. back to work. bleagh.

To appreciate what's present is most probably one of the most important ways to stay happy, no matter how bad the situation you are in.

don't compare yourself to others . den maybe you'll be a happier person.

damn. i'm rambling random stuff... Wateva...

2007-07-08T15:41:00.000+08:00

Wateva... i had a pretty weird dream last night. but i can't remember what it was about.

anyway... today is supposed to be the live earth concert thingy all over the world. wore green yesterday. (: sometimes i think it really is a lot of preaching... but we really need to put more effort into it? its like we all know what's going on but we haven't got the heart to do anything about it.

anyway. played soccer with the girls on the field for the last time on friday. (: it was lovely to don on my boots again. its been super long since i've done that. but it was tiring. damn... my stamina. haha

street's on monday. (: yay.

den for jumpers' dinner. it was cool. haha. we had like nationalities from all over the world. and swensens was uhm... amusing u might say... haha.

went library to try and get some work done yesterday. but in the end was being entertained by some people. hahaha... super funny. and i realised how petty guys can get. lol. it was super entertaining. managed to get SOME work done... but wasn't that productive la... bleagh.

den we did something stupid at the mrt gentry. hahahaha.

-we tapped our cards at the same time-
me: eh why cannot open?!?!?!
jing: hahahaha. mine says multiple card entry!!! i got your card!!!!

omg. looked damn dumb. haha.

i'm just slacking my ass off today. i can say bye to all the teachers when they come looking for me when school term really starts cos i think i'd be drowning in all that work...

-stares at horror at the BIG As-

asyikeen winni weishan!!!!!! i'm still aching!!!! :(

Wateva...

neck aches

2007-07-06T09:31:00.000+08:00

Wateva... i woke up this morning and couldn't really get off my bed without rolling off. i'm aching from body combat yesterday. ouch. my back and arms... but it was really good. to punch and kick. maybe i should take up martial arts all over again. gives me something to exert all the energy on. and it felt really good. i think i have a violent streak in me. haha.

christine says she can't imagine me in my prom dress. hahahaha. christine, neither can i imagine myself in it. den i say that maybe i shouldn't turn up for prom. and jing says i'd have a very sad life if i didn't. entire life no prom before. haha. wa... sad leh. but i seriously dunno what i'll turn up in la. haha.

had a ride in christine's cool car yesterday. (:

everyone around me is bucking up. even the juniors are muggin. wat about me? i'm like holidaying. damn.

i really need to buck up.

i wanna watch harry potter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and i can't wait for the 7th book to come out......... anybody willing to lend me the book? (: -my mum won't buy it for me la. and i have no finances to buy it for myself. haha. sad-

meeting all the people coming back from australia soon. (:

oh ya. i got back my yellow glasses from the elephant escapade. haha. it looks normal now, but i get a headache wearing it.darn...

ok. this has been an utterly random post.

Wateva...

2007-07-04T22:10:00.000+08:00

Wateva... transformers yesterday was not as bad as i expected. (: and the movie timings were crazy. like 5.15, 5.30, 5.45... there's almost one every 15 minutes. and the 6th floor at cine was showing only with the soccer girls yesterday!!!!!! (: i love you my dear soccer girls. (:

so enrichment week officially started today. haha. learnt quite a lot of new things from boybands. and realised how much i need to study from bio concentration camp. sigh

events these few days led me to this conclusion: we should make the best out of everything, even if we don't like wat it is now?
its so easy to say but so difficult to do.

sometimes people just say things that really hurt and there's a pang in your heart cos you don't really know if these people mean it? Wateva...

2007-06-29T22:40:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

everyone should go and watch this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FkHmV0s3PjE&mode=related&search=&v3

its soooo cool and it really inspires you? maybe for once adverts aren't just for the sake of selling merchandise. the entire series is really inspiring. i paricularly like the saint margerets one cos coach recommended it and it really reminds me of our team. (: thanks coach.

watching singapore vs australis tmr and fireworks. (:

Wateva...

2007-06-27T21:39:00.001+08:00

Wateva...

cts is finally over. but why do i not feel like i've done anything really productive?

They tried tauniting me into a skirt again. haha. but it didn't work. neh... =P

and something really weird happened to me on the way home... =/

i want to watch a movie damn it.

its all going away... was i simply pulling a hood over my own face?

Wateva...

2007-06-13T21:14:00.000+08:00

Wateva...

suddenly i see. (:(:(:

hopefully it isn't a dream.

hopefully i won't shatter it again.